Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 7' to 10' tall.

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".

   X says Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not damn a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   Daylight savings tonight.. Happy extra hour of drinking everyone!!!!

   I think I found out what commitment really is. Its not marriage, its finding a new cell phone plain to sign with...

   So, is Charles still in charge or what?

   There is no "non creepy" way to compliment hot girl's feet

   bad news: 2 Chainz will not be performing as scheduled. good news: 2 Chainz will not be performing as scheduled.

   On the one hand I feel bad that Jeniffer Lawrence privacy was invaded, but on the other hand...well that hand is busy.

   Well as tomorrow approaches, November 1st. I can start growing my taint hair for "No Shave November." Will you notice?

   Instead of saying "happy Halloween" I've been whispering to the kids "find me on facebook..."... I think I'll have a much smaller turn-out next year.

   Ya get the strangest looks when you roll up to the register at the grocery store with a basket full of eggs and toilet paper.

   *spills beer on trick-or-treaters* No [hiccup] we're out of Snickers & Fun Dip & [hiccup] No Twix either. You want these seeded grapes or not?

   Pro tip: DO NOT compliment a girl on her slutty girl Halloween costume until you confirm it's a slutty girl costume...

   Due to the fact that I rarely get more than 2 trick or treaters, I buy candy that I like and give them a can of pork n beans!

   No its not "cute", its actually quite slutty looking, and yes I love it!

   I'm not saying she's bipolar, but it took me two hours to figure out her mood ring wasn't a strobe light.

   It's been a bad week for spacecrafts. Maybe my parents will finally stop nagging me about not becoming an astronaut...

   Here's an idea for a costume. And your friends will never expect it. Try looking and behaving like a responsible person.

   I just googled "dying alone" and it brought me to my own Facebook Page.