Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1774 of 6446

Well as tomorrow approaches, November 1st. I can start growing my taint hair for "No Shave November." Will you notice?
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10-31-2014 23:12 by indy dave
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Instead of saying "happy Halloween" I've been whispering to the kids "find me on facebook..."... I think I'll have a much smaller turn-out next year.
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10-31-2014 21:43 by Jeva
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Ya get the strangest looks when you roll up to the register at the grocery store with a basket full of eggs and toilet paper.
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10-31-2014 20:26
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*spills beer on trick-or-treaters* No [hiccup] we're out of Snickers & Fun Dip & [hiccup] No Twix either. You want these seeded grapes or not?
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10-31-2014 19:40 by sully
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Pro tip: DO NOT compliment a girl on her slutty girl Halloween costume until you confirm it's a slutty girl costume...
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10-31-2014 18:33
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Due to the fact that I rarely get more than 2 trick or treaters, I buy candy that I like and give them a can of pork n beans!
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10-31-2014 18:22
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No its not "cute", its actually quite slutty looking, and yes I love it!
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10-31-2014 17:11 by John Y
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I'm not saying she's bipolar, but it took me two hours to figure out her mood ring wasn't a strobe light.

It's been a bad week for spacecrafts. Maybe my parents will finally stop nagging me about not becoming an astronaut...
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10-31-2014 15:12
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Here's an idea for a costume. And your friends will never expect it. Try looking and behaving like a responsible person.

I just googled "dying alone" and it brought me to my own Facebook Page.
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10-31-2014 13:04 by Baddie
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The killer of the Pennsylvania Trooper was handcuffed and transported to jail with the dead Trooper's handcuffs and police car, maybe they can shoot him with the Trooper's GUN !
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10-31-2014 12:34
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Dear Girls : No Need To Do Anything For Halloween … Just Remove The Makeup And Go To The Party
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10-31-2014 12:28 by BEGO
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Wearing my PJ pants, slippers, and carrying a Walmart bag for Halloween this year. That's right, I'm a Walmart Shopper.
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10-31-2014 11:28
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making my world famous caramel onions to sit outside the door of a empty apartment so that way kids wont get pissed off at me when they bite into a onion instead of a caramel apple hehehe Happy Halloween
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10-31-2014 10:34
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HR says I am allowed to dress up as a pirate for the office Halloween party but I am not allowed to try to plunder booty, even if it is mighty fine booty....this organization has too many rules.
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10-31-2014 08:05
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When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
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10-31-2014 07:33
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Somedays, I'm just a walkin', talkin' meat bag full of awesome.
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10-31-2014 07:00
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I'm going to as many Halloween parties as I can. I'll be in the invisible man. You'll just have to imagine I'm there. . .
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10-30-2014 21:16 by JAB
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Prison football teams seam to have a difficult time finding a person qualified to play tight end.
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10-30-2014 20:17
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