Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...

   Nice hash-tag Dallas Cowboys, but I do agree, ‪#‎CowboySUK‬! errrr....CowboysUK I mean....

   “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.”

   A shot of vodka a day keeps the sad away!

   Beautiful is the woman who sees you as a king not a ticket to a free meal.

   Who else is still wearing their Halloween costume?! Didn't think I'd be keeping it on for days but everyone's really digging me as Pikachu!

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

   Being human is expensive and exhausting.

   Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse...

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."

   170.6 Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

   China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.

   When someone chooses the stall next to me when plenty others are available I tap my foot 3 times and ask, "You got the stuff?".

   Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

   I'd pay good money to see Flo from Progressive hook up with the mayhem guy from Allstate.

   I went cow-tipping at Old Country Buffet.

   just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they are not out to get you.

   [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

   when your opponent puts up their fists to fight they expose their hips. grab them and you can slow dance for at least 2 seconds

   I saw a homeless drunk playing with his d*ck on the street today. Thought of you.