Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm ok with how you work it. Moderate diggity, reasonable doubt.

   A man in Florida has been sentenced to six months in prison for stockpiling weapons at a compound just 11 miles from Disney World. Eleven miles from Disney World? So . . . in the parking lot?

   We should've let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.

   It really does show how far we've come when you no longer need to wear a scarf to fly a plane.

   Yeah, we also have a vegan option for those of you that can't deal with the guilt of being at the top of the food chain,,, you wuss.

   If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.

   There's no telling what will come out a female's mouth when she's mad at you. You just gotta brace yourself and be ready for anything.

   You have my full undivided attention. Sorry I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to my phone.

   The amount of people I have to say good morning to on a daily basis really pisses me off

   Kim Kardashian wants to break the internet? All this no talent hack needs to do to break the internet is to sit on it.

   I read a burglar in Nova Scotia fled a crime scene in a canoe. The only way this could be more Canadian is if he was stopped by a police beaver dam.

   My guess is that roughly half of the U.S. economy is based on making commercials for auto insurance companies.

   Fun thing to do # 86 Leave "this is offensive" as a comment under a photo & never explain why

   If your parents never once forgot to pick you up from school then our friendship is probably never gonna go past acquaintance level

   Fun thing to do #48 1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

   If weekdays were food, Mondays would be a saltine.

   Idea: one of those "[X] days without an accident" signs but for embarrassing text messages

   Girls who see Kim Kardashian as a role model; Who hurt you? Did mommy and daddy not hug you enough growing up?

   I wish I had kim kardashans talent of not having any talent and making money off it.

   Son have I told you about the birds & the bees? Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about