Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm not." - MEN

   The Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. -The Cat

   Math quiz! If I have 1 boss and she has 4 personalities. How much should I spend on her x-mas present ?

   Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   These feelings would go well with vodka.

   I can take care of my enemies.....but lord, please protect me from my friends ~ Unknown

   I have an all-black cat, I named him Cracker. I've never had an all-white cat before..

   "Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm not." - WOMEN

   I'm a feminist, but not like a "wants to pay my own bills" feminist.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science

   A BJ A Day Keeps Divorce Lawyers Away

   I was born in the USA, but now I live in Absurdistan.

   Pro Tip: You can't fix stupid with duct tape, but at least you can keep it quiet for a while.

   The show "Toddlers and Tiaras" was so named because "Strippers in Training" and "Mothers with Self-esteem Issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   Only 40 days till Christmas... you know what that means? 41 days till I jump back in the dating pool!!

   If you hold up a Shell and listen carefully, you can hear the cashier telling you he doesn't want any trouble.

   Success is not owned. It is leased....and the rent is due everyday

   What do you mean I have to tie up my robe?.. This is a cape.

   I made a poem for my coworkers.. " Don't bother me at lunch,,, Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch.."