Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They're having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I'm dreading it.

   You know it's time to get out of the bath, when your piss is warmer than the water in the bath!!!!

   If you use the word “extravaganza” in a poster for your party I immediately assume it will be held in a retirement home.

   sex addict is someone who likes to have sex, just like everyone. their condition is called being alive.

   when a woman asks if her dress makes her look fat, don’t respond. she’s probably asking her husband and you’ll make him know where you are hiding.

   When you tell a woman to show her teeth when she smiles, make sure you pronounce the word "Teeth" correctly to avoid being slapped.

   okay. I guess i'm to old to keep up with modern pop culture. Who is Jennifer Lawrence and why does she have nude pictures of me?

   If Isis starts targeting Golf courses, Obama will unleash hell on them.

   There comes a point in everybody's life when they feel forgotten by someone they'll never forget.

   The guy that named the Pterodactyl could have learned a lot from the guy that named the Fly.

   Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"..................................... #hopefull

   Was at the vet's office with Sammy, heard a lady in the waiting room sneezing, she then tells the receptionist that she thinks there was a cat in here. I saw the lights dim a little.

   Soooo, how long are we all just gonna sit here and act like the russians don't have all our passwords?

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise!!

   Below yeah you, Huckleberry Fin do you realize it's a meme?

   How long do I need to be in therapy before I forget the time in gym class when I was hit in the stomach with a dodge ball and farted?

   and they seized the biggest land they ever seized illegally. Yet idiotz complain why are the rockets sheling.

   With the NFL starting this week, as a Redskins fan I have this feeling of impending doom.

   Don't take nude pics. Problem solved.