Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Show me on this Fat Albert doll exactly where Bill Cosby touched you

   “You wore that before” yea because it’s my shirt and I have a washing machine!

   What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?

   These days HD is so good, when you watch an NFL game you can see the murder evidence.

   I’d rather wear Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear as a ski mask than turn Facebook chat on.

   If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.

   I can't decide if I should lay off the booze or just lay in it.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There is no way in hell a guy with a ponytail would own a house that nice.

   I hope the next iPhone has a stronger Vibrator.

   Since it's throwback Thursday, Ima throwback some booze!

   They said to dress for the job I want; not the one I have. So now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume.

   See, it's not only Canada that gets snow. Got that Florida, Texas, California........

   Report: Buffalo is running out of beer...guys we are basically district 12 from the hunger games...the end is ne

   I took my sister to a NASCAR rase and all I got was this lousy son/nephew.

   The Theatre Alliance of Buffalo is holding auditions for Frozen tonight from 6 to 9

   Never mind shoveling out Ralph Wilson Stadium, change the rules to allow a defensive line of snowmen. That ought to liven things up.

   Replacing "Sent from my iPhone" with "sent from my “telepathic mind reading Auto-reply app”

   If you cut your child's sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...

   What the heck is almond milk? Almonds don't even have tities!

   I'll stop being creepy when you stop sending me telepathic messages that you secretly want me.