Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Charles Manson can get married in prison I should at least be allowed to text at red lights

   I am bored .Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on .

   I can't believe Skelator sold out and is now doing commercials. Oh well, he's still a better pitchman than Michael Bolton.

   Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.

   You may notice white girls wearing black armbands today. As all things pumpkin spice are replaced by all things peppermint.

   So many people born at the end of November. If we had a clubhouse we'd be named "The Valentine's Day Mistakes"

   ♫ Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful ♫

   Enjoy it folks. This is the only day of the year when you can say "Black" all day long and not be called a racist.

   My granddaughter gets up at night and goes to the bathroom all by herself and everyone is so proud. I do that four times a night and nobody says squat.

   The Greatest Generation stormed Normandy so that today, we could storm Target.

   Black Friday: The day you spend hundreds of dollars on possessions to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in possessions.

   If the doctor say put the medicine in "your ear".. he meant "your rear"... so get your hearing checked too.

   Calm down with the Christmas music Starbucks, it's only the day after Thanksgiving.

   if you don't already hate people, black friday shoppers is a great way to start.

   I'm astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..

   Take it easy this Black Friday, (try not to trample anyone to death) because it isn't supposed to look like a riot you idiots... Shop online like a real modern American!

   Thank the powers that you're not here to smell that one.

   the new Star Wars trailer went online today & it's already a better movie than The Phantom Menace.

   "What the hell are you doing?"... Making a turducken.. "I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be dead first"

   Wow!!!,,,, this ice cream scoop really brings out your eyes.