Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever go blind, I'll wear two eyepatches, so people will just assume I am a double pirate.

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   Naughty phrases you can say on thanksgiving: "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"..."It's a little dry, do you still wanna eat it??" "You still have some on your chin"..."If I don't undo my pants I'm gonna bust!!"

   Black Friday is the American version of running with the bulls

   I'm sure we all remember those days when we thought porn was also available on youTube

   In other news, no 12 y/o's riding their bikes got shot today.

   Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.

   Somewhere someone's therapist knows you.

   If you're happy and you know it, don't stop drinking.

   On a scale of Amanda Bynes to the woman who wants to marry Charles Manson, my cat only thinks I'm Gary Busey crazy.

   Charles Manson is getting married to a 26-year-old and I’m still single. I’ll never hear the end of it from my mother at thanks giving.

   Am I the only one hoping that grand jury decision in Ferguson Missouri lines up with my black Friday shopping plans?

   Nice try, but you're not getting rid of me that easily.

   You had me at "what does wrong hole mean"?

   Feeding my daughter cold pizza. She will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.

   I think I am beginning to understand Americans. I now know they love guns, blowjobs, masturbation, naps, not wearing pants, pizza, beer and a good murder.

   life's hard, get a helmet!

   Fat chicks and mopeds. Both fun to ride until your friends find out.

   I guess you could say it's my own fault for ignoring the words "directed by Tyler Perry"

   Most of the Ferguson folks these days seem to be white journalists desperately hoping for violence.