Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A big well done you had unprotected $eX and made a baby. Bravo *slow claps*

   I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.

   I thought I had great balance...until vodka proved me wrong.

   I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.

   Haven't seen a Marilyn Monroe quote in a while. I hope she's okay.

   Lisa in Accounts suggested we play Xmas music in the office. Long story short, she left early due to food poisoning.

   No thanks "Love Quotes" account. I get all my love quotes from P0rnHub.

   How do you explain stupid to a stupid person?

   If you're flirting with everybody, even with dogs, you should doubt your sanity.

   If you're smiling on Facebook for 7 years, you should revise your positive attitude towards your mental capacities.

   You can be a real idiot in one field but still criticize people in that area the most.

   Sorry I'm late for my appointment. I passed a pet store. Waved at the kittens for three hours. You know how it is.

   Do pandas give crushing hugs? Because I think that would be a cute and emotionally satisfying way to die.

   Did you ever notice some people with the lowest moral compass and zero integrity suddenly become 'karma experts' when things don't go their way?

   To Michael Brown's family: I hope you find closure. To Darren Wilson: I hope you find peace. To the rioters: I hope you find jobs.

   If we have learned anything over the the last couple years it is that if you attack a person with a gun, you may get shot and killed.

   Holy moly, 4 more days until I'm a married man. It seems like just yesterday I was puking on the first day of kindergarten class.

   most unromantic thing said ,to start off the holiday season..."so- what's the E.T.A on that blowjob?

   So the logical response to a perceived injustice in my town is to steal everything I can, then burn it down? Why didn't I think of that after my last parking ticket?

   Give me some of the major taboo examples among gullible women about themselves.