Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shutting the fcuk up is fat free, you should add it to your diet.

   If a white girl don't like Fireball Whisky, she's not a real white girl. She's a fraud.

   Don't forget to alienate people People love aliens

   One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, call your ex.

   I've disappointed a lot of people in my life, you're not special.

   Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?

   he doesn't even get swallowed, discovery channel is losing all credibility

   Can't wait to see the hour of commercials it takes for some dude to be eaten alive by an Anaconda in five minutes tonite...

   these pretzals are making me thirsty

   People who are cheap and think hiring a professional is expensive should talk to people who chose to hire an amateur.

   Some dude is going to be eaten alive by an Anaconda tonite....BIG DEAL...I was eaten alive by a snake years ago and my lawyer got me out. Sucked dry, but free.

   Hey everybody I'm unique! Just like everybody else on facebook! But please give me validation anyways.

   Still can't believe Skeletor and Stretch Armstrong sold out and started selling cars.....

   16.The year is 2060. iPhone 842 is released. The screen touches you.

   They execute an American or an ally, we go after their sponsors, family, friends, lovers and clerics. Our job is to make terrorism so horrific that is becomes unthinkable to attack Americans and her allies.


   It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   women say they like tall men but I'm probably at least 6'4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet :(

   Hang on, let me change from my home Crocks to my going out Crocks. Then we can go.

   Hang on, let me change from my home flip flops to my going out flip flops. Then we can go.

   Q: What's more disgusting than a hicky on a hemorrhoid? A: The chick that put it there.