Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

   Life is not like a box of chocolates. It’s more like mixed vegetables with freezer burn.

   It’s been “one of those days,” for like 3 years now.

   I have one nerve left, and you’re dry humping it.

   Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, “skip intro,” when they start talking to you.

   What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done? Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

   The symbol & looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor.

   What if slugs are just snails that have gone through a divorce. “Yep, she got the house.”

   Don’t judge me because I’m quiet, no one plans a murder out loud.

   Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.

   The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

   Maybe if we all email the Constitution to each other the damn Government will read it.

   Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

   I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

   A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

   2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic Unbooblievable

   A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

   I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

   Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

   Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.