Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   iPhone users update:- I'll screenshot it, I'll tweet about it, I'll Instagram it, I'll write a blog about it, I'll delete half of my contents for it, I'll get enraged about it.Android users update:- *clicks update, gets on with life*

   Jameis needing more whooping with a switch when he was growing up!!

   Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister

   Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I'm sobering up.

   My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded

   This all started when I told her to prove it.

   The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.

   iOS 9 will be out by the time iOS 8 finishes downloading

   Self Control is not smacking 2 girls arguing over which filter to use before Instagraming a pic of their Pumpkin Spice Latte.

   A 4 year old black boy was brutally beaten by his father. Where's your outrage black community??

   If the NFL keeps this up, we've got a shot at playing again. - White Guys

   Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.

   I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.

   Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

   I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.

   Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

   I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.