Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   on a first date I like to make women feel at ease by loudly and clearly proclaiming "I had nothing to do with Columbine" early on

   This might be the cocaine talking but babysitting your two kids tonight was the best experience of my life.

   Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.

   Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.

   If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you're doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.

   Doctor says I'm morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.

   I didn't come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.

   Taylor Swifts "Shake it Off" is about what her lovers did when they realized she was bad in bed.

   this trend that all girls hates the word moist is getting old.

   Want to have some fun with your kids? Next time you're driving with them and you see a dead Deer on the side of the road say "Uh oh! Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   Celebrating "Thank-The-Lord-That-Stupid-Brown-Thursday-Black-Friday-Cyber-Monday-Marketing-Crap-Is-Over" Tuesday.

   Only a desperate behind the times can believe in polygamy.

   I don't know why they need a whole month, they get the busiest Friday of the year

   I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

   When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

   At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can pee all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

   Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

   Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.