Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was addicted to porn but I was able to beat it.

   How do you circumcise an ISIS dude? You can't. There ain't no end to them pr!cks.

   If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'

   Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?

   Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?

   I think Taylor Swift's song "Shake It Off" is a great potty training tool for boys

   Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you'll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?

   Making breakfast in bed for sleeping booty

   Bruce Springsteen is 65 years old today. Now when he's dancing in the dark, it's because of cataracts.

   There are an alarming amount of people getting engaged or married on my Facebook recently. Got my brain ticking with how much thought and planning they must have put into it. I don't even know what I'm having for breakfast tomorrow let alone get married

   iOS 8.0.1 is designed to get people to stop calling their friends to brag about owning the new iPhone.

   The Status here are dying. We need new blood.

   My therapist is a beer

   I'd get a life, but it might get in the way of me reaching my potential on the internet.

   While eliminating ISIS, there is another group of terrorists that has been terrorising Americans for years that needs to be taken care of for good. The Kardashians.

   This new bidet is disturbingly accurate...how did they know the location of the target?

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   A plunger, but for feelings.

   Making bad decisions can be your thing too It's not limited to idiots only

   I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.