Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor is in training to become a porn star. I asked her how her first day went. She said it was a lot to take in.

   It really shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby. Everyone knows that the proof is in the pudding!

   multiculturalization?? more like Islamization.

   By all that is holy... Jessica Biel better name her baby Batmo when he's born...

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only had sex with him to get something else out of him, but it failed'

   If your car has reindeer antlers and a red nose then I should be allowed to shoot you

   Sorry I accidentally turned off all the lights and played dead when you knocked on the door.

   The only time I put my phone down is when it rings....

   You're 42, divorced with 3 kids and you smoke? Good luck with that...

   Everyone thinks they're incapable of committing murder until they see uncleared time on the microwave.

   My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

   Let's lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge

   I'm just doing what the beer tells me to.

   I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.

   The Mayans are predicting this year for Dec.21 chilly air will settle into the region, ahead of a storm system forecast to move up from the South.

   somedays I could do without the life lesson!

   I don't know if they give awards for commercials, but that ad with Kate Upton riding a horse should win all of them.

   For every time a woman replies "fine" to you, you lose a day off your life.

   "Half time" is that point in time when you are too full to eat a whole slice of pizza but you have plenty of room if you cut that piece into two pieces and eat them separately.

   In The News: Supreme leader Comrade Kim Jong-un,. Reprimands: Jang Song Thaek, vice chairman of North Korea's highest decision-making body... "When I said to Nuke the Chinese, I meant for you to put the Kung Pao Chicken in the microwave".