Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride."

   Debt doesn't buy happiness either.

   Someone called me lazy today I almost objected.

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   Everybody needs a playground...

   There's still so much I have to unlearn.

   How do women think without a pen*s?

   Sorry I asked for a receipt when you gave me your heart..

   Dear Sony Hackers, So....What can you do about the Kardashians???

   If nobody has unfriended, deleted, blocked or reported you to the Admin, then you are doing Facebook wrong.

   Christmas Gift idea: Take her to the Planetarium so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.

   It's always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.

   I don't want to be the creepy old guy. I mean, I am, but I don't want to be.

   Played with fire and caught the feelings. Stupid feelings.

   BREAKING: Kazakhstan threatens retaliation over release of BORAT.

   The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.

   Met a girl tonight at the Fox and the Hound she said she has 3 tattoos. She said if I get her drunk enough she'll show me. She said she has a bird in her hand and two in her........

   Thought I was doing jello shots at a ugly sweater party, turned out to be Bill Cosby's house

   Due to hacking and terror threats, I'm canceling my Christmas film "Kim Jong merrily on high"!

   After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.