Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don't have the best childing skills, either.

   "My eyes are up here." - *gift horses

   FYI: It takes a man a week to walk a fortnight,

   You can lose weight but unfortunately you can't lose ugly.

   Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.

   it me or this presidency has experienced more Virus out break since AIDS? Remember the Swine Flu, bird Flu, Housing Bubble Flu, Bank bail out Flu, and my favorite was when Congress Flew

   My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.

   I bought shoes from a drug dealer today. Don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day!

   I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

   I have never been paid for sex, but holy mother of god, there were a few instances when I should have been.

   Don't worry about Ebola spreading in Dallas. The Cowboys have shown us that people in Dallas can't catch anything.

   Sorry I must have hit the unfollow button by mistake. BLOCKED - there fixed it

   I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

   Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.

   I thought Ariana Grande was a Starbucks drink.....

   Look on the bright side, the cowboys will be the first NFL team to get Ebola

   Upside to working out: Women actually acknowledge my existence. Downside: I have to learn how to react to women acknowledging my existence.

   Good Lord...Pink For Cancer, Red For Cards, Orange for Halloween, and Now Blue for Bullying! October has More damn color in it than a strand of Christmas Lights!

   not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

   If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn't be called nachos.