Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm white but not "I enjoy engaging people in discussions about antioxidants" white.

   Just putting it out there, most Americans, myself included, don't like Our governments involvement in other countries either. Don't hate the American people, it's our governments doing, not ours.

   Are you really that attractive, or is your Selfie game just that strong?

   Did you hear what happened to Willie Nelson's hair? They sold it. There was an auction this week and a pair of Willie Nelson's braids sold for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000

   800,000 bees attack, home in Texas, leaving one person dead, four injured and over 300 pounds of honey. Winnie The Pooh asks that we bow are heads in prayer.....and that we get him the address of that honey.

   Two crows got married and a beautiful family. It was the perfect murder.

   I didn't expect the friendzone to be so comfy.

   WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don't fcuking care

   White male, AKA inventors of nearly everything on earth...

   The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.

   In Oregon a Labradoodle was unharmed after falling off a 200 ft cliff. Some suspect that he actually jumped because of the name "Labradoodle".

   I guarantee there's a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks 'Ebola' would be a lovely name for their child.

   Was that "wadup yo" directed at me? Euah. Okay, well, I think that was a yes... No brah, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak hood. Now pull up your pants! How are idiots like this in college? Friggen STUPID!

   One of my favorite sounds on earth is listening to my child sing while he gets ready for school. Something about anyone being that happy this early in the morning just moves me... not in the literal sense but it's touching...

   Whenever I watch TV and see those poor, starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

   I feel MUCH better today. I hate it when I get 24-hour Ebola!

   According to my nipples, summer is over

   The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up... lol!

   When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of the importance of safe sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

   Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.