Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't have any girl to spoil for Christmas this year so my bank balance is looking healthy.

   What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later

   What, you have a gravy boat!! Where is this gravy river you speak of?

   Only 309 days until Halloween!!

   My anaconda really doesn't care if you got buns or not.

   My "Facebook Moments" thing is just a bunch of pictures of me getting drunk so, whatever...

   LinkedIn, a second version of Facebook but with more annoying, insecure, low intelligent, attention seeker people- children- with irksome personality types that should stay away from computers.

   Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?

   How much Jim Beam goes in this Turkey gravy?

   I just sneezed alcohol onto a candle and started a fire.

   What question do men ask women the most? “ARE YOU MAD AT ME?”

   Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

   Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.

   I start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, i'll be seeing six or seven.

   How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?

   Every time someone uses Xmas instead of Christmas a kitten gets punched in the balls.

   Whoever made up the saying "It's the thought that counts" never got a pair ofcrocs for Christmas.

   People with kids that don't have a fireplace have an issue in the morning..

   Women- God’s version of Rubik cube.