Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?

   the who thing between U.S.A and North Korea over the movie the interview is basicly the plot to South Park bigger longer and uncut

   I wish I had half the optimism of couples that get each other’s name tattooed on their bodies.

   I miss the old days when everyone had the same RING tone.

   for once I'd like to see "Its been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"

   My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: 'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience' "Wow!" she said. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I f*cking hope so.

   News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death" Wow, what were the chances of them all having the same name?

   The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars. F*ck that, the area's full of burglars.

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.

   Now that Christmas shopping and madness is over, I'm expecting applications for potential girlfriends...

   it required for you to have your own TV show if you live in Alaska?

   An atheist, vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes....

   The Christmas Day hacking of Playstation Network and Xbox Live forced gamers offline and kids to sit with their families for Christmas instead of locking themselves in their rooms. This had girlfriends, wives, and mothers whispering, "It's a Christmas Mi

   No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.

   Justin Bieber Got a Freaking Jet for Christmas proving that there is no God or justice in this world we live in.

   If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.

   [wife yelling at me as I wash dishes] "keith I'm fkn sick of you pretending to be a doctor" [turns tap off using my elbow] what do you mean?

   "OMG that guy is dead!! No wait, he's okay..." - My wife's first time watching professional soccer

   Almost time for " the new year new me bull$hit"

   It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...