Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

   Doritos has a new flavor named Street Taco. Which used to be my rap name.

   Buy 3 items and get a 9 foot long receipt. That’s the CVS promise.

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful tonight or if it was just the 27th outfit she'd tried on and he didn't want to be late to the party.

   [Status omitted by the US Secretary of Defense]

   I got to hand it to short people... sometimes they just can't reach it.

   You all take typos way too serious, you gays.

   I like to think of bathwater as ”Me tea.”

   When I got the decorations out of the attic yesterday REAL spiders started coming out of the containers.... Well played Halloween, well played.

   Everything I have learned about women has come from a pamphlet in a tampon box.

   So apparently sex burns off the same number of calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell can run 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   Over a thousand people die in Africa because of Ebola they get 10minute news coverage , one Australian is suspected to have Ebola gets hours of news coverage

   My friends say the craziest things like "hello police" and "he's in our house again."

   A romantic getaway but, just me and your best friend.