Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An atheist, vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes....

   The Christmas Day hacking of Playstation Network and Xbox Live forced gamers offline and kids to sit with their families for Christmas instead of locking themselves in their rooms. This had girlfriends, wives, and mothers whispering, "It's a Christmas Mi

   No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.

   Justin Bieber Got a Freaking Jet for Christmas proving that there is no God or justice in this world we live in.

   If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.

   [wife yelling at me as I wash dishes] "keith I'm fkn sick of you pretending to be a doctor" [turns tap off using my elbow] what do you mean?

   "OMG that guy is dead!! No wait, he's okay..." - My wife's first time watching professional soccer

   Almost time for " the new year new me bull$hit"

   It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...

   I didn't have any girl to spoil for Christmas this year so my bank balance is looking healthy.

   What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later

   What, you have a gravy boat!! Where is this gravy river you speak of?

   Only 309 days until Halloween!!

   My anaconda really doesn't care if you got buns or not.

   My "Facebook Moments" thing is just a bunch of pictures of me getting drunk so, whatever...

   LinkedIn, a second version of Facebook but with more annoying, insecure, low intelligent, attention seeker people- children- with irksome personality types that should stay away from computers.

   Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?

   How much Jim Beam goes in this Turkey gravy?

   I just sneezed alcohol onto a candle and started a fire.