Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will cause a 12-car pileup before I let you last-minute merge.

   Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

   The Like button. Also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything

   How does a black chick tell if she's pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked.

   *Shows up to salsa lessons with Tostitos* Haha what the heck are you idiots doing

   "This is where the magic happens" ~Me on a first date to a magic show

   The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn't done anything wrong

   Every time you open a bottle of beer, an angel gets it's wings.

   What doesn't kill you, adapts to make sure it kills you the next time.

   Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.

   You dating 3 people and you say you are in a relationship!!! Lol nah you are in a group activity.

   I never lose sleep over my enemies its my friends that keep me awake.

   I maybe heaven sent but I can also bring hell

   If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

   If I have to text you first every time we talk, then I'm just goign to drop and block you!

   well Notre Dame fans...In about a year FSU will have to vacate this victory so you have that to look forward to

   I saw this big guy in brand new Nikes running down the road with a huge TV in his arms. I thought briefly, "That looks like mine." Then I realized, mine wears adidas.

   FYI: Apple's app store had an app called "I Am Rich." It cost $999.99, did absolutely nothing, and 8 people bought it.

   I'm giving out ex-lax with ghosts on them for Halloween,,, so it comes back to haunt them.

   Yelp ,,, But for public bathrooms that are clean enough to take your kid into.