Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   170.6 Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

   China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.

   When someone chooses the stall next to me when plenty others are available I tap my foot 3 times and ask, "You got the stuff?".

   Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

   I'd pay good money to see Flo from Progressive hook up with the mayhem guy from Allstate.

   I went cow-tipping at Old Country Buffet.

   just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they are not out to get you.

   [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

   when your opponent puts up their fists to fight they expose their hips. grab them and you can slow dance for at least 2 seconds

   I saw a homeless drunk playing with his d*ck on the street today. Thought of you.

   Relationship status: Please? I am rich.

   My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.

   The cheapest woman is the one that costs you the most.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

   Beware of popping weasels.

   maybe congress should hire Nik Wallenda to balance the budget...

   You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.

   I was wondering if Nik Wallenda gets ordered to walk a straight line when he gets pulled over for suspicion of drinking and driving?

   You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......

   I haven't seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?