Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the most difficult jobs in the world is being a mother. If done wrong, you could ruin someone's future......NO PRESSURE!!!

   Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages. They’re calling it “Islam”.

   What's the difference between a Mu$lim and a vampire? At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

   European oral cancer patients are rising at an extremely fast rate. Why you say? They are having the type of cancer which commonly occurs in female gentalïa. Calm Down on those disgusting practices

   Females are crazy. You can text your girl "Sweetheart I got those Paris tickets you wanted. My friend Sarah hooked me up" And the only thing she saw was Sarah

   I would love to put all the girls I slept with in one room to see if they can figure out what they all had in common

   Me: My butt fell asleep sitting on the toilet. Wife: Yeah, I know. I heard it snoring.

   Seriously Ladies, stop it with the surveys to see what kind of baby animal, book character, southern belle, princess warrior, superhero or dog you are. Just be a fk’n normal human!!

   She lost me at, "that's cray cray!"

   Somebody stop the planet, I want to get off!

   Unless you from another country... if you ask me for my "KIK" rather than my phone number - I'm going to assume you are a serial killer.

   If you don't believe in oral sex....then keep your mouth shut!

   If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie, have some drinks, talk" and actually watch a movie, chat and drink, then you're a failure as a man…

   I realized Freedom of speech has an expiration date... -Not valid when your in a position of influence, not valid when its being use as a weapon, and definitely not valid when I've got to listen to my wife!

   They Always Say...Stand & March For What You Believe In... I Do!!! Everytime I Believe I will Have another Beer, I Stand and March To The Fridge!

   Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be "Beaten to death with a selfie stick"

   Play Trivia Crack they said. It'll be fun they said... phukerz.

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

   Everthing will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end

   That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.