Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.

   FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.

   Where is Kanye when you need him for Miss Universe

   What's the over/under on the football psi??

   No one used to watch the pro-bowl or the NFL draft, This year the inflation of the Super Bowl footballs will probably be on pay-per-view.

   If you wagered on the Pro Bowl....please seek immediate help for your problem..

   Can't wait to watch the NFL Pro Bowl said no one ever!

   You cannot steal a joke - if you don't want anybody to use it themselves, don't tell it to anybody.

   Me: You're always so argumentative. Wife: No, I'm not. Me: See?

   The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.

   I save time by showing up at my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown

   if I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch

   Have your demons call my demons

   Yes I will disappoint you, but I will disappoint you with style.

   I'm off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...

   when you Realize that loud sound in the dryer is your cell phone! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

   If you are a real man, take care of your woman. Because if you mistreat her, ignore her, or don't take her concerns seriously, another man will.

   Bill Cosby is funny. You might say he has a rapier wit.

   *wipes away tear* You had me at "Dwarf Stripper."