Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand how people can fall right to sleep after sex. I mean, are you just trusting them to leave on their own accord?

   Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   Don’t call me. Alcohol you later

   Al Sharpton...Please go crawl back under the rock you came from.

   Hi, I enjoy short drives to the liquor store and crying in the shower until the hot water runs out. Wanna date?

   You can never trust anyone 100%. Suicide is proof that you can't even trust yourself with your own life.

   I'm so old, I remember when the internet didn't have commercials. . .

   a show called the view shouldn't hurt your eyes

   If Homer Simpson were a Democratic Congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be “Homer Simpson (D-OH)"

   If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their super couple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.”

   it's my sons third birthday tomorrow... Due to budget constraints we're not gonna tell him!!!!

   Please God let me show you being a millionaire won't spoil or change me

   Just been accused of being condescending , that's where you talk down to people.

   I refused to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.

   Someone stole my Microsoft office and they're gonna pay , you have my word

   I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

   The bible has been remixed more times than Madonna.

   Rosalind Franklin discovered the DNA double helix, not James Watson. That's why he's still alive.

   I cooked for you. ~ a short horror story

   If it can't be fixed with a butter knife, I'm out.