Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before you give me your survey results, just know that numbers don’t impress me much anymore when it comes to human beings. I now value quality over quantity when it comes to crowds considering the number of idiots who have infiltrated the human race.

   T rolls used to live under bridges, now they live in their mom's basement.

   Safe word? It's more likely that you will need a white flag

   Koran has been remixed more times than Madonna.

   Just spent 15 minutes searching for the remote to my surround sound receiver.. Couldn't find it so in frustration I went up and manually pushed the power button. What is this world coming too????

   If you are the 10,000th person to pee in a fitness club shower confetti drops & you win a 6 mo. membership... Or so I'm told,,,, Wear sandals

   Any salad can be a caesar salad,,, if you stab it enough.

   My medical ID bracelet says "Probably Drunk".

   My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"

   "nice guys" always end up in the friendzone.....time to be an Ahole

   if your religion is worth killing for , please,..... start with yourself

   "... And for dessert, we have NyQuil."...... *Me, if I were a parent

   Scientists say we could reduce dependence on fossil fuels 95% if we could harness the energy of Dallas Cowboys fans complaining about refs.

   U.S.A.- If you have oil, your people need freedom and peace.

   I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.

   Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.

   If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.

   Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"

   If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store I'm going to hit on you

   Had that dream again about Cee Lo Green getting into a slap fight with a Tyrannosaurus Rex.