Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....

   The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.

   The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

   It's strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads .

   The cry of the old hyena and the loss of the young goat are one.

   Star Wars fans never get laid because they're looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Me: Hey Boss, I can't come to work today. I'm in mourning. Boss: Oh no, what happened? Me: I killed that p ussy last night.

   Binary math is as easy as 01 10 11.

   If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.

   Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.

   I thought of going Amish once....I didn't have the WHEEL POWER to do it

   No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.

   If I've offended you, you need more help than I do.

   I'm amazed at how some people have survived this far in life

   People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him.

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   I don't know what everyone's complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents' basement.

   Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

   Majority of Religious people have given religion a bad name.

   Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.