Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1708 of 6446

Just spent 15 minutes searching for the remote to my surround sound receiver.. Couldn't find it so in frustration I went up and manually pushed the power button. What is this world coming too????
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01-16-2015 17:58 by Pete G
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If you are the 10,000th person to pee in a fitness club shower confetti drops & you win a 6 mo. membership... Or so I'm told,,,, Wear sandals
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01-16-2015 17:07 by snotty
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Any salad can be a caesar salad,,, if you stab it enough.
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01-16-2015 16:56 by snotty
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My medical ID bracelet says "Probably Drunk".
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01-16-2015 14:47 by John Y
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My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
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01-16-2015 14:22
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"nice guys" always end up in the friendzone.....time to be an Ahole
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01-16-2015 10:57 by Rollen
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if your religion is worth killing for , please,..... start with yourself

"... And for dessert, we have NyQuil."...... *Me, if I were a parent
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01-16-2015 08:37
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Scientists say we could reduce dependence on fossil fuels 95% if we could harness the energy of Dallas Cowboys fans complaining about refs.
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01-16-2015 08:36 by snotty
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U.S.A.- If you have oil, your people need freedom and peace.
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01-16-2015 08:34
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I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.
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01-16-2015 08:34 by snotty
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Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.
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01-16-2015 08:33 by SEAN
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.
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01-16-2015 08:32 by SEAN
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Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
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01-16-2015 08:31 by SEAN
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If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store I'm going to hit on you
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01-16-2015 08:28 by SEAN
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Had that dream again about Cee Lo Green getting into a slap fight with a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
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01-16-2015 08:16 by snotty
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Why does every horrific news story begin with "A Florida man..."
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01-16-2015 07:59
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As it turns out, "harder" is a terrible safe word.
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01-16-2015 07:58
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Don't run from your problems, chase them with alcohol.
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01-16-2015 07:53
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#OscarsGoWhite??? More N igs just crying b/c they want something they don't deserve. What BS!