Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Just spent 15 minutes searching for the remote to my surround sound receiver.. Couldn't find it so in frustration I went up and manually pushed the power button. What is this world coming too????
←Rate | 01-16-2015 17:58 by Pete G Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you are the 10,000th person to pee in a fitness club shower confetti drops & you win a 6 mo. membership... Or so I'm told,,,, Wear sandals
←Rate | 01-16-2015 17:07 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Any salad can be a caesar salad,,, if you stab it enough.
←Rate | 01-16-2015 16:56 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My medical ID bracelet says "Probably Drunk".
←Rate | 01-16-2015 14:47 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
←Rate | 01-16-2015 14:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "nice guys" always end up in the friendzone.....time to be an Ahole
←Rate | 01-16-2015 10:57 by Rollen Comments (0)  


   messageicon if your religion is worth killing for , please,..... start with yourself
←Rate | 01-16-2015 09:42 by IronMonKeY Comments (4)  


   messageicon "... And for dessert, we have NyQuil."...... *Me, if I were a parent
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Scientists say we could reduce dependence on fossil fuels 95% if we could harness the energy of Dallas Cowboys fans complaining about refs.
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:36 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon U.S.A.- If you have oil, your people need freedom and peace.
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:34 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:33 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:32 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:31 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store I'm going to hit on you
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:28 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Had that dream again about Cee Lo Green getting into a slap fight with a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:16 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why does every horrific news story begin with "A Florida man..."
←Rate | 01-16-2015 07:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As it turns out, "harder" is a terrible safe word.
←Rate | 01-16-2015 07:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't run from your problems, chase them with alcohol.
←Rate | 01-16-2015 07:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon #OscarsGoWhite??? More N igs just crying b/c they want something they don't deserve. What BS!
←Rate | 01-16-2015 07:36 by Joseph Robert Comments (2)  




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