Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The money I'm saving by not having a girlfriend on valentines day will most likely be spent on booze to help me through these trying and lonely times.

   Sometimes I just look at a person and think seriously,that's the sperm that won the race.

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time.

   If the Seahawks win the SuperBowl XLIX It'll be amazing how the world will not give a fcuk.

   The Packers did a discount double choke on Sunday

   The camel called. He wants his toe back.

   Facebook closed for MLK Day??

   Why is that people who always demand respect have done the least to earn it?

   People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn't give a $#!t.

   My wife gave me a coupon good for one blowjob on my birthday. I redeemed it with her friend Betty.

   Apparently the Patriots win was more deflating to the Colts than first thought.

   Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don't want to go to prison.

   Shoot 4 more and we can take the whole week off - white folks

   I love you like white folks love the Kardashians.

   I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.

   How much dope did the dope dealer deal when the dope dealer did deal dope?

   Respect cost you nothing.....but disrespect can cost you your mfn life

   I'm at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.

   Call me a critic but I would just about guarantee that the idiot selling seashells down by the seashore is a product of the No Child Left Behind Act.

   Hey NFL, why all the domestic violence ads? We're not the ones beating up women, you are.