Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My guess is that roughly half of the U.S. economy is based on making commercials for auto insurance companies.

   Fun thing to do # 86 Leave "this is offensive" as a comment under a photo & never explain why

   If your parents never once forgot to pick you up from school then our friendship is probably never gonna go past acquaintance level

   Fun thing to do #48 1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

   If weekdays were food, Mondays would be a saltine.

   Idea: one of those "[X] days without an accident" signs but for embarrassing text messages

   Girls who see Kim Kardashian as a role model; Who hurt you? Did mommy and daddy not hug you enough growing up?

   I wish I had kim kardashans talent of not having any talent and making money off it.

   Son have I told you about the birds & the bees? Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about

   Sorry I played your newborn like an air guitar. Also if you cut me off during Master of Puppets again you can find a new babysitter.

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

   Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

   Proud to say I weigh the same today as I did in high school. I was a fat ass then, too.

   Went to the Dr today and he said I should've died 3 years ago. So, I guess I'm immortal!!

   I just got a job in a reggae band playing the triangle, I just stand at the back n ting

   The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

   Me, at Wal-Mart: Why is there a buckle on this ski rope? Sir, that's a belt.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon

   My teenage daughter says I'm not cool, what does she know. *takes out phone from fanny pack to write this status update*

   Some of my best memories are naps.