Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a contaminated water scare in my town and I haven't used my bidet in two days because I don't want E. coli in my bum.

   We should be less worried about serial killers dumping bodies around the country and more concerned that it's always someone jogging that discovers them. THOSE are the people we should be looking out for...

   Prop bets: What are the odds that Katy Perry's first song will suck?

   I'm just here so I won't get fined.

   We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...

   Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.

   The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."

   Fact: you don't have to be a Girl Scout to sell Girl Scout cookies, hussle smart my friends

   You had me at "family history of premature death".

   The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you

   Marys dragging me to some play tonight #bored #killme

   The worst part about watching Fox Network are all the commercials for $hitty shows on Fox.

   Hey Hipsters, while you're busy fighting the system, Apple made $19 billion last quarter.

   My New Year's resolution is to procrastinate about the same.

   Getting dumped by a hoarder has to be rock bottom.

   I gotta be honest....unless the Ghostbusters "reboot" (starring all women) is going to have them topless with proton packs...I am just not interested.

   All female Ghostbuster remake, just like the all male original, but instead the whole movie is 4 chicks trying to coordinate their uniforms.

   More bad news for the New England Patriots. The NFL now has video of those deflated footballs alone in an elevator with Ray Rice

   Today, the Apple iPad turns five years old. So it's official. The iPad is as old as the people who make it.

   President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, "I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want."