Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm asian, but not "me love you long time" asian.

   Having a beard while wearing a suit says "I am a professional who might go through your trash later."

   If it requires pants, its not happening today.

   You know you are getting old when you see a beautiful 19-20 year old woman and the first thing that comes to mind is ...."Wonder what her Mom looks like?"

   If I had to choose between ending world hunger, or having Kimye forever banished to Siberia, I'm sorry, but there would still be a lot of hungry people around. Just sayin'...

   A "Duck Dynasty" musical is in the works. It's predicted to be very popular with fans of "Duck Dynasty" who also love musical theater. In other words, nobody. Actors who audition should be proficient in singing, dancing, and hiding their sexual orientatio

   U2's cabin doors opens during flight - someone got their revenge for having to listen to U2's new album in the cloud.

   A teenager in Arkansas was arrested after he was caught driving without a license on his way to the DMV to take a driving test, tried to flee, and crashed into a police car. On the plus side, it sounds like he was probably going to fail anyway.

   Yesterday, while flying over Germany, the cargo door fell off of Bono’s jet. And somehow, it landed in my iTunes.

   So Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I'm thinking savings isn't the only thing you will catch at Walmart...

   I'll believe the President cares about net neutrality when he tells us if we like our internet provider, we can keep it.

   Preferred Forms of Contact (In Order): 1) Email 2) Text 3) Social Media 4) Group Message 5) entering My Shower in a "Scream" Mask 6) Phone

   if I had a choice between ending world hunger and seeing a mountain lion play a guitar solo, everyone would eat but i'd regret it forever

   A real woman does not have a "wrong hole".

   I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

   Guys nowadays are so whiny,"these handcuffs are too tight" "there's not enough air in this trunk" "why are you branding your name on my ass"

   Don't half ass it. It's not a real nap unless you take your pants off.

   There is a guy here at work who calls me "Chief." There's another a guy here who calls me "Partner." They must think I'm a double-agent in some secret Cowboys and Indians war.

   This time can Ben Affleck stay behind instead so we can find a suitable Batman?

   A fool always rushes to the front row.