Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.

   If Obama can break the rules, so can the Patriots dammit.

   Dear media: please stop rhyming things with the word "Gate"

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Gul Dukat.

   It’s 2015, why don’t we have hover-boards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything

   Does anyone shoop anymore?

   Take me seriously at your own risk.

   in another 40 years, i'll have a set of patriot balls

   i wonder why all 3 insurance companies don't combine & call themselves "Alstate Farm Bureau"

   At the end of Goonies, Chunk says to Sloth, “you’re gonna live with me now.” Why isn’t that a movie yet?

   Plot twist: The Patriots deflated balls to keep the game close.

   Well, I've never had a hot carl before, but I certainly came close watching the State of the Union

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, passwords, credit cards, life, soul......

   Facebook is for entertainment. Nobody really cares about how sad and lonely you are, you better add some jokes on the end of that post

   Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?

   In the 1984 Ratt song Round and Round, the singer belts out the lyrics "What comes around goes around. I'll tell you why." But for the rest of the song, he never DOES tell us why. So... I'm looking for some punitive damages out of this 31 year old false p

   The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they'll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you're at it, too.

   The world is effed up when boy bands sing about Jack and country singers sing about Crown...

   Colts..."Who's got big ball's, We got big ball's, we got the biggest balls of them all!!!!

   Up until 2 days ago, thanks to my news feed, I didn't even know Dean Cain was even still alive.