Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A BJ A Day Keeps Divorce Lawyers Away

   I was born in the USA, but now I live in Absurdistan.

   Pro Tip: You can't fix stupid with duct tape, but at least you can keep it quiet for a while.

   The show "Toddlers and Tiaras" was so named because "Strippers in Training" and "Mothers with Self-esteem Issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   Only 40 days till Christmas... you know what that means? 41 days till I jump back in the dating pool!!

   If you hold up a Shell and listen carefully, you can hear the cashier telling you he doesn't want any trouble.

   Success is not owned. It is leased....and the rent is due everyday

   What do you mean I have to tie up my robe?.. This is a cape.

   I made a poem for my coworkers.. " Don't bother me at lunch,,, Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch.."

   It's so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!

   You make me want to be a drunker person

   Only way I'm having sex for 3 hours is if we taking a nap for the first 2hrs 56 min

   My love life is like a unicorn. I don't have a unicorn.

   Relationships can only have one emotionally unstable person, and I am always that person.

   I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook It's much clearer now

   I am always either sleep deprived, sex deprived, food deprived or all of the above

   Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes

   Trust me ...... I can't believe I'm still here either.

   All of the Prophets claim One will come to bring the world together In a new age, I am here

   My bad, I heard Bush's new book was called 41. It is about his Dad, not his IQ.