Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reports out of Buffalo are stating they are hiring fans to help shovel out Ralph Wilson Stadium. Hey, Goodell Ray Rice & AP are free!

   if you're sad about being single, especially with Christmas around the corner, just remember even Charles Manson found someone to marry him. So there's hope for you yet! Have a good day everybody!!

   PRO TIP: Take the wrapper off the fortune cookie before you eat it.

   Male camel toe? Dude that's just nuts.

   UK's terror alert levels: 1. Oh we couldn't possibly 2. Blimey! 3. Call Jeeves!! 4. Bloody hell 5. *puts down teacup*

   Who me? Oh I'm just wondering how long it took Kim K to get all that oil off her ass

   I'm just gonna wait for the iPhone12 when Siri can extend her arms and hold me.

   Proposal idea: Pack the ring inside your car's airbag and then crash into a wall.

   I miss the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, so I ate some caterpillars.

   Some people say I’m condescending, which of course means I look down on people.

   Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

   Nice try Sonic but I'm sure that the dude in the commercial isn't really trying to impress the ladies

   People who say stuff like "everyday is a new day" are also the same fools who say sh*t like "apples are fruits" and "women are humans"

   My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.

   Jesus save. Passes to Moses. Off Mohammed. He shoots! He SCORES!

   Happy International Men's Day!!!

   I was washing my gum and my wife almost put cloths in with my gum !!!!!!! she almost ruined a whole pack !!!!! .........Gonna let it slide cause I love her

   Oh and for all those polar bears are losing their homes because the earth is heating up people ..Tell the polar bears to bring their furry asses to Indiana they will feel right at home

   If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you give them back to Mom and Dad.

   Giant spider in my room last night and firefighters took half an hour, they obviously don't understand "emergency"!