Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. There, now isn't that better?

   Last night I got more wasted than a Liberal Arts degree

   "When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.

   There are 3 types of people in this world. 1) Those I want to drink with. 2) Those that make me drink. 3) Those I want to throw my drink on.

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'

   My phone was cordless until it got smart.

   "Ugh.... life is rough" ... I type on my $600 phone that was made by an 8 year old in a sweat shop.

   I stopped feeling sorry for myself a long time ago. Now I just feel sorry for the people who have to deal with me.

   My life is like a box of chocolates. Only fat people want me.

   Started a new workout program, 50 more "likes" and I'm all done.

   At some point, a guy looked at a berry that was clearly purple and called it a blueberry. AND WE ARE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN!!!!

   "Was the Golf War because Tiger Woods was a bad man? ~ My friends 9 year old daughter. Shout out to home schooling.

   Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

   how many Grammys has Kanye given to a deserving musician? The Answer: 0

   Hey old people, you don't have to sign your name when you comment on a status. We know who said it.

   Just ate a salad with a dinner fork. #ThugLife

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   Manti Te'o's girlfriend confirmed that Brian Williams was on the helicopter

   If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?

   Spider-Man is joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe...he will mate with Black Widow, and then she devours him afterwards.