Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   starting a chainsaw in the house is a great way to get the neighbors to quiet down. Also good for getting an unruly child's attention.

   So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.

   Kentucky pickup line- I'm just goin to follow you home anyway, so get in the truck.

   Some people are a lot funnier when they're on fire

   So much anxiety, so little weed!

   Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.

   just avoid love at all costs

   You had me at 0 mutual friends

   Not really supposed to say anything yet, but… I joined Blink 182. Gonna take it in a super fun new direction.

   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

   Maybe Jabba was extremly thin for a Hut, you don't know

   Breaking weather news! Winter storm Juno finally landed and was quickly deflated as it passed over New England.

   I'm no weather man, but it's snowing out in Boston. . .

   My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure

   I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.

   The good thing about this country is we have freedom of speech...the bad thing about this country is we also have Michael Moore.

   NEWS FLASH: After watching video of this huge North East Snow Storm.... Al Sharpton has called an emergency meeting with his act up idiot group because the storm is...... ALL WHITE...... film at 11....

   My girlfriend and her sister got highlights in their hair. I blurted out 'frosted flakes' and don't remember a lot of the ambulance ride.

   Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I'm behind you 100%

   Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.