Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?

   Relationship status: runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.

   I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

   The inventor of the toilet must've had a rough time at his presentation. "Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea"

   You had me at "Hello"... But you lost me when you kept talking.

   Does anyone have an alternative to a tea that helps you sleep at night? Sometimes I just cover my mouth with chloroform but then I'm typically late for work the next morning...

   Because I'm a gentleman, I'll carry you to the kitchen afterwards so you can make me a sandwich.

   There's a contaminated water scare in my town and I haven't used my bidet in two days because I don't want E. coli in my bum.

   We should be less worried about serial killers dumping bodies around the country and more concerned that it's always someone jogging that discovers them. THOSE are the people we should be looking out for...

   Prop bets: What are the odds that Katy Perry's first song will suck?

   I'm just here so I won't get fined.

   We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...

   Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.

   The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."

   Fact: you don't have to be a Girl Scout to sell Girl Scout cookies, hussle smart my friends

   You had me at "family history of premature death".

   The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you

   Marys dragging me to some play tonight #bored #killme

   The worst part about watching Fox Network are all the commercials for $hitty shows on Fox.

   Hey Hipsters, while you're busy fighting the system, Apple made $19 billion last quarter.