Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK!!!!!!!! consider paper, or scissors if the second throw.

   My 4 year old refers to the solar system as, "God's Balls". Google THAT science....

   Hey look, a pay phone!!!!! *adds 'archeologist' to resume*

   Its okay password, I'm insecure too.

   Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I'll wait.

   Don't worry Kanye, Stephen Hawking sings with autotune too.

   I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.

   The hashtag is defintley the most important technological advancement to have been ruined by 13 year old girls.

   To hell with all this snow. I woke up this morning and beat the fugk out of the snow man in my neighbors front yard. . .

   I got 99 problems. You're 98 of them.

   My business card is just a piece of toast.

   I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he's really in trouble.”

   Mine, I was cramping the morning, blew a gasket on the toilet, sure enough, Kanye was in the bowl.

   Facebook, Twitter and Instagram doesn't ruin relationships. You choose who you reply to and how you reply back to them

   "Hi I'm Kayne West! I survive on your attention. Give me your attention. Hey where you going...I need you attention..."

   Think someone is pitching "Keeping up with Kanye"? What a Deutche

   Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

   Looking for true love on Tinder is like looking for a Buffalo Bills championship. Good luck.

   My wife looks at me when I'm folding laundry the same way I look at her when she is eating a banana.

   Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year...