Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it's a technical problem. Keep trying.

   Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you

   Why isn't a group of squid called a squad?

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it

   anyone who enjoys pizza with pineapples probably beats up children and kisses with their eyes open

   anyone who sleeps without having one leg out of the covers is a threat to the national security of this country

   religion is basically believing that there's a guy who is watching over you if you give him some of your money on Sundays.

   so many bad things happening in this world at this moment like iggy azalea

   Whew! the wind has been blowing and howling like crazy all day. Kept looking out the window for Dorothy to show up.

   Way to go Ferguson...Burning down the same grocery stores where you use your foodstamps to shop. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Real justice losers!. Real justice

   I say let them burn ferguson to the ground and watch them cry tomorrow cause they don't have anywhere to spend their foodstamps.

   I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   They aren't looters....they are undocumented shoppers

   I guess Black Friday started early in Ferguson

   in order to disburse the crowd in Ferguson police dropped job applications from the policehelicopters

   Don't just tell her she is beautiful, make her believe it. Then slap her ass and tell her to keep up the good f*cking work.

   I'm surprised the FHRITP guy is not at Ferguson screaming his catch phrase on the news...

   I just saw the trailer for the upcoming motion picture "Exodus". I guess guy-liner was the thing in ancient Egyptian times.

   Travelocity search: "Ferguson" other people who have searched Ferguson have searched Beirut, Kabul, and Detroit.

   "BRING ME THE FETUS' OF 3 CHICKENS.".. *Maniacal stare..."Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette"... "AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES"