Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was "beware of dog" and then I dry humped her leg.

   I love you like drunk people love EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY

   Thought I heard birds chirping and almost threw a lamp. It's not spring yet, sky rats.

   Tiger had to withdraw because he couldn't activate his glutes. Hopefully he can still activate Lindsey's glutes.

   Liking your own Facebook status is kind of like high fiving yourself after a fap. Please stop it!

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. My heating bill is out of control and there's a family of raccoons living in my kitchen. Please God, this needs to stop.

   Whitney Houston found dead in the tub, her daughter found unresponsive in a bathtub, maybe that family should start taking showers.

   Nobody in the office seems very impressed that I'm wearing Pull-Ups, despite my insistence that they are "big boy" diapers.

   The tooth fairy but for broken hearts and she leaves a cat under your pillow.

   definition of work: activities carried out to maximize the time between two tantrums from my boss!

   once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along

   why is it that when a girl wears only a t-shirt to bed it's cute and sexy, but when I do it I'm some kind of weird, creepy, pervert?

   I think it's logical to hate the player, without players there would be no game and I would have a date for Friday night

   Wouldn't the halftime show have been better if the sharks had frickin' laser beams attached to their heads?

   I woke up this morning and said to my wife 'that was amazing last night, we're you faking it?' , 'No' she replied 'I really was asleep!'

   I don't just burn the bridge, I destroy the road its built on too.

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than your call.

   Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.

   Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.