Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along

   why is it that when a girl wears only a t-shirt to bed it's cute and sexy, but when I do it I'm some kind of weird, creepy, pervert?

   I think it's logical to hate the player, without players there would be no game and I would have a date for Friday night

   Wouldn't the halftime show have been better if the sharks had frickin' laser beams attached to their heads?

   I woke up this morning and said to my wife 'that was amazing last night, we're you faking it?' , 'No' she replied 'I really was asleep!'

   I don't just burn the bridge, I destroy the road its built on too.

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than your call.

   Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.

   Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.

   What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love I would probably do for a six pack.

   Just got back from a third world country - I got my box full of Seattle Seahawks 49th Superbowl champions shirt suckers...

   When asked about ISIS yesterday, Obama said, "We will double our efforts..." Hmmm... If my math is correct... Nothing x Nothing is still Nothing!

   Jordanian pilot Moaz al-Kasasbeh showed no fear on the face of death, not like them face covering isis pussies.

   The tax revenue from Michael Moore would make a serious dent in the federal deficit.

   i really don"t need to know that you liked your own status...

   4 years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times

   Cannot wait for this new Magic Mike movie -Said no man ever

   If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.

   Hoes wanting to see 50 Shades Of Grey over the SpongeBob movie is what is wrong with this world.