Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why didn't Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

   A couple got married at a Mental Institution recently ..kind of crazy?

   If I win the Powerball, I'm gonna buy Bruce Jenner and turn him back into a man. Just for fun.

   Bruce Jenner was a man for the past 65 years and didn't have one car accident... all of the sudden he turns into a woman and he can't drive anymore and kills someone. I'm not saying women can't drive... but... just saying

   What if NASCAR is really just rednecks saying "nice car"

   I have childhood memories that I am not 100% sure actually happened or if I dreamed them I really do not know

   She left the mental institution to be with me...I guess you can say she's crazy about me!

   I will do a lot of things but admitting I'm cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn't one of them...

   Generic Raisin Bran makers should really consider changing its name to just Bran.

   "Back in my day, Smurfs used to be smaller" -We're watching Avatar, grandma

   In memory of Whitney Houston, all flags should be lowered a crack..

   Bus driver: This is where you get off. Me: What? No foreplay?

   According to Obamacare, they now have to allow you at least 30 minutes of sleep before Brooklyn.

   50 Shades of Gray - A canine biography

   Makeup tip..... You aren't in the circus.

   "I want you to shove it in my mouth and choke me with it" ~ Me, ordering at the Cheesecake Factory

   This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. There, now isn't that better?

   Last night I got more wasted than a Liberal Arts degree

   "When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.

   There are 3 types of people in this world. 1) Those I want to drink with. 2) Those that make me drink. 3) Those I want to throw my drink on.