Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   today I am thankful that no female member of my family ever asked Bill Cosby to hold their drink for them.

   TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel..this is for the christmas period only!

   Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt

   Wishing you and your family a happy, stressless, apolitical, irreligious, nonviolent, and painful-childhood-revelation-free Thanksgiving.

   Who says you can't make someone love you? I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

   You forcefully uprooted them from their home in Africa to use them as slaves just because you were too lazy to do your own chores. You reap what you sow.

   Forgot to close a finger quote. Sorry the last seven years sounded so sarcastic.

   A big well done you had unprotected $eX and made a baby. Bravo *slow claps*

   I love long legs.... Long sexy legs..... But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.

   I thought I had great balance...until vodka proved me wrong.

   I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.

   Haven't seen a Marilyn Monroe quote in a while. I hope she's okay.

   Lisa in Accounts suggested we play Xmas music in the office. Long story short, she left early due to food poisoning.

   No thanks "Love Quotes" account. I get all my love quotes from P0rnHub.

   How do you explain stupid to a stupid person?

   If you're flirting with everybody, even with dogs, you should doubt your sanity.

   If you're smiling on Facebook for 7 years, you should revise your positive attitude towards your mental capacities.

   You can be a real idiot in one field but still criticize people in that area the most.

   Sorry I'm late for my appointment. I passed a pet store. Waved at the kittens for three hours. You know how it is.

   Do pandas give crushing hugs? Because I think that would be a cute and emotionally satisfying way to die.