Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupid cats stealing all our women.

   Hi! Welcome to T witter. We're the men and women behind your Facebook friends' funny s tatuses.

   A junk drawer, but for feelings.

   Me crazy? If it wasn't so hard to get back up on this unicorn, I'd so b*tch-slap you

   I used to care but I take a pill for that now.

   Valentine's Day is for losers so don't get me anything, I say as I lovingly kiss my boyfriend and he says nothing because cats don't talk.

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too

   My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don't want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"

   On Valentine's Day, yet again I'll be in the house on my own watching films and eating a takeaway with no one to talk to. I really can't see a downside

   gonna be cold out tonight.. make sure you bring in your pets and the elderly..

   I look at my milk carton in the fridge and it read "Feb 14". Even my milk has a Valentine's date and I don't.

   I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. Someone is a marketing genius.

   FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow

   Just watched my daughter's boyfriend take 90 seconds to get a straw in a Capris Sun. Safe to say I can put the shotgun away now.

   Sorry, I can't be your Valentine. I already have 12. *points to case of beer*

   Triskaidekaphobia = Fear of Triscuits

   I surprised the Avon Lady when I came to the door naked. She was more upset that I knew where she lived.

   Some guy just asked me for the time like its 1993 or something.... "Hold tight my good fellow, allow me to fetch my time piece from my pantaloons"

   WIFE: "Hey hon, you think you can pick the kids of from school?" ME: *takes a sip from 'Worlds Greatest Dad' coffee mug'* "Sure... what school do they go to?"

   Safe to say none of us have any plans on eatinging Eminem's mom's spaghetti?