Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   selfies are so last year, this year it's othies

   "The food at the last supper was pretty terrible so I ordered pizza" ‪#‎BrianWilliamstories‬

   "To spare the rod is to spoil the" adult....."every adult needs a whack on the butt everynow and then.

   Light beer, apple whiskey, fat free, gluten free, lactose free...We have become a world full of p ussies.

   I'm kinda the dark, handsome type. If it's DARK, I'm handsome.

   Plus-Sized is just a politically correct term for fat.

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping.... with a really angry bear near by.

   The arrival of pubic hair means, "Welcome to the prime of your life". The arrival of ear hair means, "Thanks for playing"

   Sorry my posts aren't up to my normal level. MY glutes keep shutting down.

   If you ask me to write something down over the phone, my "pen" is just a series of "uh"s and "got it"s.

   Sports Illustrated featuring a hot plus sized model on the cover is just as "brave" as Jenny McCarthy is a "doctor"

   Out of all the emotions, my favoritte would have to be "buzzed".

   If a girl texts you and asks if you think she is fat and you try to reply "Noooo", auto correct changes it to "Moooo" so that's pretty cool.

   Hit the gym today with my car.

   I have horns holding up my halo tonight.

   to the girl who stared me in the face as the elevator door closed: we will meet again.

   I'd imagine unicorn tastes a little gamey with magical undertones.

   I hate it when you are in the bathroom and there is no toilet paper and you have to ask the person in the stall next to you to come over and wipe for you.

   I would like to that "The Walking Dead" for making it socially acceptable to openly talk about which family member you think would get eaten first.

   Unless your baby is an Autobot, keep it the hell away from me.