Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".

   Watching Sam Smith win all those Grammy's really reminded me of how much I like Tom Petty.

   Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.

   The Grammys would be awesome if it was actually about celebrating the best artists in the country. Instead it is just about which ones get the most corporate sponsorship and sound the most generic.

   Obama needs a grammy for those gas prices

   If robbers broke into my house looking for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.

   just discovered my other mail folder, I didnt realise I was so popular with the ladies telling me how amazing and fantastic I am.

   Whenever the brain and the heart fight it's always the liver that suffers.

   My plans on having a long extended vacation were dashed last night when my lottery tickets didn't hit....:( So its off to work I go tomorrow!

   It's always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing domino's"

   Does Bruce Jenner qualify as a female driver?

   If Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles had a boy band it would be called "what direction"

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally... just that I'm at the liquor store.

   My emotional status hinges on how long I have to wait to eat again.

   I'm happy Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman but I'd be even happier if his stepdaughters transitioned into oblivion

   Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don't have long to live.

   Ever been so mad you threw a cat at another cat?

   CNN reported that Bruce Jenner got back ended yesterday....I also heard something about a car crash....;-)

   Just once I'd like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.

   It appears Bruce Jenner is also driving like a womam ......