Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.

   if my girl drops $50 while we're walking, then it's her lucky day because I'm picking it up and i'm going to be a great boyfriend and buy her lunch.....

   Stop complaining about being single on Valentine's Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald's doesn't serve breakfast after 10.30

   congratulations to Brian Williams on winning the Powerball

   I told my boyfriend he needs professional help. He hired a prostitute.... well played.

   I am Dad!!! Hear me sigh loudly as I turn off every light in the house. Again.

   What do you mean, "I need space". Are you okay? Do you need me to come over there and give you some space?

   In dog beers, I've only had 1

   People who know me well know that I like to think outside the box. Mostly because I'm claustrophobic and can't concentrate when I am stuck inside a box and overwhelmed with panic.

   I hope NBC replaces Brian Williams with Ron Burgandy.

   Why didn't Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

   A couple got married at a Mental Institution recently ..kind of crazy?

   If I win the Powerball, I'm gonna buy Bruce Jenner and turn him back into a man. Just for fun.

   Bruce Jenner was a man for the past 65 years and didn't have one car accident... all of the sudden he turns into a woman and he can't drive anymore and kills someone. I'm not saying women can't drive... but... just saying

   What if NASCAR is really just rednecks saying "nice car"

   I have childhood memories that I am not 100% sure actually happened or if I dreamed them I really do not know

   She left the mental institution to be with me...I guess you can say she's crazy about me!

   I will do a lot of things but admitting I'm cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn't one of them...

   Generic Raisin Bran makers should really consider changing its name to just Bran.

   "Back in my day, Smurfs used to be smaller" -We're watching Avatar, grandma