Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy

   Apparently licking a spilled vodka on a conference room table is frown upon.

   I don't wanna make this weird but that's just kinda how I do things.

   How many times can you say "aight" before you can consider the job interview bombed.

   Patience, I'm being creepy as fast as I can.

   I don't understand why guys are always wanting their girl to make them a sandwich after sex.... I'd just be happy if they gave me my money back.

   The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.

   Swift Justice is just like regular Justice except it will write a song about you when you break up.

   I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.

   My wife and I have been married so long that I no longer think about other women when we have sex, I think about pizza.

   There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.

   FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.

   My dinner just consited of beer and trail mix. Being an adult isn't for everyone.

   Like a good neighbor..... Me and Meyham from Allstate threw a party in your house because you bragged all about your vacation on Facebook.

   It never fails.... I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   My heart says "No", but my erection says, "Shut the hell up, Heart"

   I asked my masseur for a happy ending. She made me a ballon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.

   ME: "Boss, I can't come in today. I have a bad case of" *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? DAUGHTER: "Boogerits" *to phone* its boogerits"

   "Mr Potter, you are now qualified to be a magical janitor" *Harry Potter And The Order of The University of Phoenix*

   I told my wife I wanted a threesome, and now there is a pizza in my bed. Its stuff like that that got her wifed.