Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1679 of 6384
I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)
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12-08-2014 08:16 by KAREN
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If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear
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12-08-2014 08:14 by Baddie
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I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Wife: You bought beer again!? Me: It followed me home. It needed love. I adopted it. [whispers to beer] Say hello to mommy.
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12-08-2014 07:52
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if there is anything that we have learned over the past years...is that if you attack someone with a gun, you might get shot.
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12-08-2014 06:13
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I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
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12-08-2014 00:32
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I would rather eat a meatloaf prepared by Hannibal Lecter than watch 5 minutes of Glee.
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12-08-2014 00:29
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My life is like an 80s movie. Bad acting, some drug abuse, but a great soundtrack.
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12-08-2014 00:29
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You haven't lived until you've been physically escorted out of McDonalds at 4:47am by a 15 year old
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12-08-2014 00:27
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Why aren't there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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12-08-2014 00:26
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Remember kids, drunk texting your ex at 2am for a booty call is the best way to show everyone that you've moved on.
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12-08-2014 00:25
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Shutting the fcuk up is fat free, you should add it to your diet.
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12-08-2014 00:13
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If a white girl don't like Fireball Whisky, she's not a real white girl. She's a fraud.
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12-08-2014 00:05
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Don't forget to alienate people People love aliens
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12-08-2014 00:03
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, call your ex.
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12-08-2014 00:01
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I've disappointed a lot of people in my life, you're not special.
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12-08-2014 00:01 by Baddie
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Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
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12-07-2014 23:59 by Baddie
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he doesn't even get swallowed, discovery channel is losing all credibility
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12-07-2014 22:59
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Can't wait to see the hour of commercials it takes for some dude to be eaten alive by an Anaconda in five minutes tonite...
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12-07-2014 19:31 by Steve OH
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