Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.

   I wish I loved anything as much as fat chicks love to tell people that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12.

   sticking my head in the freezer to warm up!

   Judging by these FB & T witter quotes attributed to her, Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.

   Hot singles in your area want to go through your trash. Never mind these are raccoons

   Hamsters seem pretty dumb when they run in their wheel, don't they. *scroll* *scroll* *scroll* *pause* *scroll* *scroll* *pause*

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off" ~ The last thing a lobster thinks.

   Presidents Day was a whole lot more fun back before the Great Election of 2008

   Do you think our dogs ever get upset that we never lick them back?

   shout out to the hotel maids who have to change the sheets on february 15

   Just picked some lettuce out a sandwich and then added a cheese slice. If anyone wants the recipe, let me know.

   Hey guys walking the dog with a plastic bag of its $hit. How does it feel being third in command in your own house?

   Single Awareness Day ..... it's a S.A.D. day

   So you guys heard about this MySpace thing?

   Its so cold out today that I brought our snowman in the house to warm up ..

   I'm 32 years old and I finally slept with my highschool crush. But now she expects me to go to her graduation.

   So... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics? Mind blown!

   On a day like Valentine's Day, some of the most dispiriting things single people can endure are the possibility of eternal solitude, questioning your own desirability, and worst of all, realizing the snap you just received is from Team Snapchat.

   I think the cats are hording all the single women out there... Happy Valentines Day everyone

   What rhymes with Cupid?