Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's a shame that all these die-in protesters aren't actually dying

   Just gave my son "the talk" about how to avoid police brutality..... Go to college, get a good job, live in a nice neighborhood, and learn how to use the phrase, "yes sir".

   It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable

   Committing to your happiness increases your chances for success.

   My first after school job was sweeping up hair.... I don't know how that kebab shop stayed Open

   Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.

   So the Chantix commercial says to call your doctor immediately if you experience a siezure...Is it just me or would it be pretty difficult to pick up the phone and dial while shaking violently?

   If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.

   Thank God America won the Revolutionary War or we'd all be speaking English right now.

   Never send laughter to do a medicinal job

   When OIL prices were high it was all "Obama's fault" according to Republicans. Now that they are low it is the market.

   I would rather read a spooky story than seeing someone using 'fingers crossed' expression.

   Why do you Americans have to involve race in everything? Leave it to the media to put ideas into your minds. The country/world will never know peace until we start referring to each other as human beings. One Love...

   If it ain't KRAFT Mac and Cheese, it ain't Mac and Cheese!!!!

   I've got 99 problems but being black ain't one

   Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.

   Drank so much coffee my ponytail has a heartbeat.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   Girls who wear jeggings with small shirts we get it, you give toothy blowjobs.

   If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?