Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my parents told me to make something of myself, I don't think a mockery is what they had in mind.

   Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.

   My nickname at work is, "Shhhh, here he comes"

   FACT: If you give your kid's name a retarted spelling, I will pronounce it like I am retarted.

   Don't be afraid to love again. Just kidding

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican.

   I'm constantly thankful for all of some of the people that aren't in my life anymore.

   Jesus wakes up one day to find only 11 Disciples with him. "Okay who the hell unfollowed me?"

   I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!

   OK, I can understand why you're mad at me but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!

   It's so cold out I've just turned 50 Shades Of Blue!

   If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.

   What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?

   I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.

   If you left me alone with a monkey of average intelligence for half an hour, I could teach him to understand how a traffic merge works better than 70% of the human drivers on the road.

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.

   Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald says he misspoke when he clamied he was in the "Special Forces"...he intended to say he was in "Special Education."...Easy mistake.

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility...

   I went to the dentist today and couldn't keep my big mouth shut.