Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.

   It's so cold out I just yelled "MUSH" to start my car!

   And that's how Tax returns were spent in 2015 - aka the mayweather vs pacquiao tax return .

   a folder named SPAM... ironically none of the mails reference meat but most of them talk about wieners!

   So cold I accidently keyed my car with my nipples.

   what if the last words of the bible were "... you had to be there."

   Oh my the way I measure & mix this Similac formula I should have became a cocaine dealer.

   It's so cold out I've turned 50 Shades Of Blue!

   I was feeling mischievous and saw snow on my boss's windshield. So I started to draw a p*nis on it until I saw she was sitting behind the steering wheel

   Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...

   Just when I thought North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un couldn't get any weirder, he goes and lets the cast of Jersey Shore cut his hair.

   Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hike-able mountain and no one went to check

   Me: Siri, why hasn't he texted me back yet. Siri: Calling Pizza Hut.

   Told my wife I was going to build a deck last summer, but instead I built a really sweet pile of 2x4s in the garage.

   Its pretty cool how after all of these years of marriage my wife as gained the ability to finish my sentences. Like when I say, "Can I...." she says, "No".

   You said you love spending time with your children. School Snow Days determined that was a lie.

   So when the cable company calls you a C word, B word or AH you get free services? Call me an SOB and sign me up!!

   There needs to be a passenger side horn so that I can honk at my wife when she's driving.

   Not sure who is in the stall next to me, but he's going to need to be tested for post partum depression after that one.

   We should have stopped the Nazis with jobs too, I think Hitler would have made a great baker.