Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1673 of 6384
A mass wedding is also called a mass suicide
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12-14-2014 00:52
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90% of the time, haters only exist in people's heads.
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12-14-2014 00:47
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Unarmed does NOT always mean NOT dangerous.
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12-14-2014 00:46
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Lesson learned.... Don't walk into a car dealership's service department and say 'I was told I need two shots of lube in my rear end'.... Awkward!!!
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12-13-2014 23:54 by Dani
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Dear nose-phobic as*holes who made fun of me when I was a kid. Over the years, I have made almost nine figures in royalties from my TV special - while YOU clowns were strapped to the hood of some dude's truck. Karma's a b*tch. Love, Rudolph
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12-13-2014 21:35
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Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
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12-13-2014 20:57
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If YOU pick a super expensive restaurant, for YOUR birthday, and invite me... then YOU pay.
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12-13-2014 19:21
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I'm watching the Army/Navy game and Santiago is playing quarterback for Army...I'm just sitting here thinking, "I'll be damned, the Code Red worked"
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12-13-2014 17:12 by scottyp
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This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half ass jingler.
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12-13-2014 17:06
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*Day 138 of having "Take Me To Church" stuck in my head.
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12-13-2014 15:48 by snotty
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I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"
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12-13-2014 15:48 by snotty
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Just heard the hit new song... "Stacy's Mom Has Unfortunately Passed On."
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12-13-2014 15:45 by snotty
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Does anybody else just assume that the new "Annie" movie ends with Annie getting adopted by Brad & Angelina?
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12-13-2014 15:44 by snotty
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*pulls up alongside you at a red light blasting an audio book
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12-13-2014 15:37 by snotty
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"I ain't fallin for THIS CRAP"................ *Pavlov's cat
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12-13-2014 15:36 by snotty
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Sometimes I can be a bit selfish and insensitive, but then I remember that I don't sell reverse mortgages to the elderly,, and then I feel better.
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12-13-2014 15:30 by snotty
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In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
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12-13-2014 14:23 by Psycho
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"Blow him" "blow him" "blow him" "blow him". -Me as marriage counselor
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12-13-2014 14:22
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A girl punched me today. Does that still mean she likes me? And if so, why the mace?
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12-13-2014 13:17 by Psycho
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If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
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12-13-2014 13:11 by Baddie
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