Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You know what would make this taste a whole lot better? Turkey bacon!" ~ No one, ever.

   Miley Cyrus has been out of the news for a while, so you can knock it of now ISIS.

   I'm "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don't trust my farts anymore" years old.

   Had a dream I banged Ellen Degeneres.... or a dude that looked like her. Its a little foggy.

   If you want my advice, don't take my advice.

   Who cares what color the dress is so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.

   Every Kiss may beging with "Kay", but Jarred ends with the "D"

   "So it says here on your resume that you are a 'master debater'?" "Yeah, umm... well... that is a typo"

   Your happiness is right around the corner... too bad the Earth is round.

   I'm terribly sorry, but I just don't have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes so I'm just going to stand here and judge you instead.

   You had me at "Hello".... and then lost me when you kept talking instead of dropping to your knees.

   They say you should drink 8 glasses of water a day but honestly you can drink one a day and be fine just don't do cocaine

   Brian Williams said the dress is gold and white because he was there when it was made.

   I'm like Hank Williams Jr. but instead of all my rowdy friends coming over tonight they are getting married and having children before me

   Stevie Wonder says the dress is black, but then again everything is black to him.

   Shut up. The dress is grey! - Dog

   Fcuk the damn dress!

   I'm nothing like this generation. I just live in it.

   Did I log into Facebook or Pinterest? I'll tell you what color that dress is.. It's who and why do you all give a f**k!"

   Free middle fingers for everyone!!!