Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attention pretty girls. Right now, nice, ugly girls are getting laid so stop being such a b*itch…

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'.

   A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?

   No Miley, Santa doesn’t have a "twerkshop"

   My friend is staying in a hotel on Christmas Eve, which sounds really depressing, but I bet Mary and Joseph would have killed for that.

   So,,, One time, I walked around with a smart car stuck in my teeth for like 4 hours before someone finally said something to me

   i'll be live tweeting my colonoscopy today against the advice of my doctor and these nurses. And ok, here we go,,, OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

   Zuckerberg has agreed to expunge the "Dictatators Suck" FB Page ~ Kim Jong-un

   I lost my "Shweaty balls" recipe. I'm sure I'll find it after I go to the gym tomorrow.

   Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”

   It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like “what is a movie”

   I really hope 2015 is a better year.

   What if...lollipops moaned every time we licked them

   Dr. King's dream of murdering Asian and Latino cops is really coming to fruition.

   The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out

   To see my family over the holidays I have an appointment book. Just so there is no fender benders.......

   Hey let me give a gift that will take a week to put together. I have included the manual and a DVD....Have Fun

   At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Bacon