Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a rubik's cube. It only takes a few wrong turns to scramble it up, but then it takes forever to put things right.

   I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in five years, come on guys I don't have 2020 vision.

   I had a dream last night I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

   Hillary Clinton was reported as saying, "Ok, but I used Google voice so it was just oral text and that doesn't count"...

   I hate it when I accidentally listen to Pitbul then I have to press down the gushing wound of the person I just stabbed.

   How come I never see women act the way men do when they are acting like women?

   Would someone explain to me why I never see straight women act the same way as gay men? Come on queers, if you want to be a women, act like one, not like a fruitcake.

   How a teenage boy sees food: If there's a lot of something, he won't touch it. If the quantity is limited, he'll eat all of it.

   I don't know about you guys, but I think last nights season premier of Ferguson was pretty good.

   Hillary Clinton is easily the scariest of all the Muppets

   BOSS: I'm going to need you to get your creative juices flowing. ME: Okay, but I'm going to need to watch some porn first.

   Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of the Transformers.

   I have this tendency of saying stupid things to pretty women, I wonder why?

   I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.

   My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence

   Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

   Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

   Someone taught my Firby to sing Taylor Swift's song "Shake it off", who ever you are...you are pure EVIL.

   I think the hands of time have been molesting me.

   I'm so excited to not hear from you again tomorrow.