Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1653 of 6384
Scientists have made a pill that tricks you into thinking your body is full. Unfortunately, it's filled with mashed potatoes and has 8,500 calories.
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01-07-2015 21:20
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A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.
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01-07-2015 21:19 by Mark M
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It's so cold out the guy at 7-11 has a towel on his head.
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01-07-2015 19:46
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You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.
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01-07-2015 19:31
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The wor$t thing about public media is you add every Tom, D!cckk, and Harry to the list of your friends, connections or followers.
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01-07-2015 18:06
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I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me, “Hey, we have four mutual colleagues in Linkedin." Can I come in?
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01-07-2015 17:31
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1 [on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?
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01-07-2015 15:08
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Chick called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a shirt. This why chivalry is dead
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01-07-2015 10:15 by fadolo
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it's freezing outside..at least I don't have to walk the 20 feet for a cold beer, the ice window box is just a little stretch...
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01-07-2015 09:13 by Lil-David
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Love is blind but marriage will open your eyes real quick.
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01-07-2015 08:01
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My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
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01-07-2015 01:43 by Czovczov
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I don't know if I need to close one eye and fart, or sh-t and go blind
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01-07-2015 01:35 by Lil-David
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Nike is starting to bug me. I've seen the video's of how hard the kids in the sweat shop work. So why does it take ten days to get my shirts in the mail.
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01-06-2015 23:36
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Just looking at the snow angels I made. I'm definitely going to the gym tomorrow!
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01-06-2015 21:46 by Depirts1
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McDonalds has new bags to hide the fact you are eating Mcdonalds? Your fat a$$ already gave it away.
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01-06-2015 19:49
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I don't think my newborn son appreciates napping and sucking tittie as much as I do.
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01-06-2015 15:39
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If you dont understand big words, I can euthanize with you.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let's negotiate.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
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01-06-2015 14:21
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