Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ll apologize for being late to your wedding after you apologize for inviting me.

   I think the kids of this generation wouldn't have been so screwed up if they would have just stopped changing the way the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looked.

   Adds you to my list "Burn everything they own" LIST

   "We need to talk" - Your Finances

   Ladies are forever saying "all men are dogs", but what they fail to realize is that dogs are loyal as fu¢k if you treat them right.

   "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter." "Vegan" is an old Indian word meaning "really lousy hunter."

   I'm extremely happy which can only mean that life is going to get real fucky here any minute.

   I'm at that age now that if I am at a bachelor party and a stripper jumped out of a cake I would worry that she will get hair on my peice.

   Don't be afraid to love again. Just kiddin. Be afraid, be very afraid.

   there anything on this menu with extra gluten?

   "I'm just a boy .. standing in front of a girl ... asking her to deep throat him" - best line from Nobbing Hill

   It's great to wake up on a Sunday and not have the overwhelming feeling to check myself into Gamblers, Alcoholics and Over Eaters Anonymous.

   The older I get the more I understand Squidward's anger.

   Figuring out that you'll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.

   Um, Yes, despite your 5 divorces by 35, all the men you date are pigs.

   I've thought of becoming vegetarian but I can never find any bacon seeds for the garden

   Vegitarian is a native American name for Bad hunter. . .

   Fatty acids are just regular acids that take selfies from high angles

   Every time my wife gets in the shower she has to worry about me reenacting the scene from Psycho but with my wiener and a lot of begging.

   Sorry I stopped, dropped and rolled when you told me you loved me.