Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I realized Freedom of speech has an expiration date... -Not valid when your in a position of influence, not valid when its being use as a weapon, and definitely not valid when I've got to listen to my wife!

   They Always Say...Stand & March For What You Believe In... I Do!!! Everytime I Believe I will Have another Beer, I Stand and March To The Fridge!

   Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be "Beaten to death with a selfie stick"

   Play Trivia Crack they said. It'll be fun they said... phukerz.

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

   Everthing will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end

   That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.

   In an effort to show our support to the French, we English have held a shoulder-to-shoulder rally at Trafalgar Square. It's nice to see good old-fashioned English humour isn't dead.

   I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.

   Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

   You know how much delusion we live in this world when you see Binyamin Netanyahu shoulder to shoulder with world leaders in a march for "freedom and tolerance"

   I can't tell you how disappointed I was to find out the movie Selma wasn't about Selma Hayek.

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

   I'm looking for any of you who may have a Selfie Stick. Please let me know if you have one, I'm asking so I know who to delete.

   Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do work and blame anyone but myself.

   What's the form of public transit most rife with filth and disease? Let's name our sandwich shop after it

   NASA found methane on Mars! Proving once again that no matter how ancient a civilization is, it's farts that truly endure.

   I wonder what gets changed less frequently...the diaper of a crackhead's baby or the filter cartridge in my Brita.

   My parent's kitchen was designed with 11 light switches, all of which turn on the garbage disposal if you're trying to be quiet