Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I could spend the day with you but there's not enough room in my trunk.

   Next Season on Survivor: Sixteen Congressmen try to hold down jobs in the private sector.

   I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

   People who always have an answer for everything and will never say "I don't know", scare the hell out of me

   Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

   Maybe I was born with it. Maybe its Krispy Kreme

   I once ordered a sub so epic that the sandwich artist that made it cut off her ear after putting the cheese on.

   I'm changing my voicemail to say, "Hi mom. Just text me"

   If you drink a Red Bull before 10 am it won't work until you post a pic of it on Facebook with the caption, "Breakfast of Champions"

   Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.

   Vodka: Because showers weren't meant to be taken alone

   There are writers who always give the best relationship advice, but are still single.

   if you use "tbh" and then someone calls you a ©unt. They are right

   I think the next time I have to tell my teenager to do something they don't want to do, I'll play a catchy 80s tune like the pharmaceutical commercials.

   With Obama and autocorrect, I don't have to take the blame for anything!

   I can look dead in your face while you’re talking, and not hear a damn thing you said.

   wondering if Yoda's last name is Lay-Hee-Hoo

   Psst...if you wanna have a Christmas Baby...tonight is the night.

   A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.