Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.

   Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"

   If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store I'm going to hit on you

   Had that dream again about Cee Lo Green getting into a slap fight with a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

   Why does every horrific news story begin with "A Florida man..."

   As it turns out, "harder" is a terrible safe word.

   Don't run from your problems, chase them with alcohol.

   #OscarsGoWhite??? More N igs just crying b/c they want something they don't deserve. What BS!

   I don't understand how people can fall right to sleep after sex. I mean, are you just trusting them to leave on their own accord?

   Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   Don’t call me. Alcohol you later

   Al Sharpton...Please go crawl back under the rock you came from.

   Hi, I enjoy short drives to the liquor store and crying in the shower until the hot water runs out. Wanna date?

   You can never trust anyone 100%. Suicide is proof that you can't even trust yourself with your own life.

   I'm so old, I remember when the internet didn't have commercials. . .

   a show called the view shouldn't hurt your eyes

   If Homer Simpson were a Democratic Congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be “Homer Simpson (D-OH)"

   If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their super couple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.”

   it's my sons third birthday tomorrow... Due to budget constraints we're not gonna tell him!!!!

   Please God let me show you being a millionaire won't spoil or change me