Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is just a series of flight or flight responses.

   wondering if my HEART is healthy enough for SEX , volunteers needed.

   The Shawshank Redemption but it's just me tunneling underground from the sofa to the mailbox so I don't have to talk to any of my neighbors.

   If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one so shut your goddam mouth.

   Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate

   It was a simpler time when we believed George Michael was straight and Prince was gay

   I just walked right up to him, put my finger over his lips saying 'shhhh.' That hobo was going to cuddle whether he wanted to or not.

   Not a huge leap between apes using long twigs to dig termites out of a nest and our recent discovery of the "selfie stick."

   earth has people who have done great things like go to the moon and discover pizza then it has idiots who have spent money on selfie sticks.

   The only astronaut I can remember from the last 20 years was the one who drove cross country in a diaper because she was mad

   My safe word is letsgetmarried.

   I don't mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.

   Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.

   My grandfather was a Marine who fought hand to hand combat with the Japanese at the battle of Guadalcanal and I sometimes drink lattes.

   Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?

   My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams"HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like"I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE"

   Q:why are black folks mad at God A: you would be too if he put p*bic hair on top of your head.

   You look like the kind of girl that would take a selfie in my trunk.

   Stereotypes aside, I believe there is a female toughness that men do not have, or understand. It's whatever creates the courage to care.

   [job interview] *removes ear bud* yo, what's the wifi password up in here