Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Conspiracy Theory #237 - The Easter bunny and the tooth fairy are secretly working together.

   Exercise, eat right, get good sleep, take your vitamins...die anyway.

   Its safe to visit my FB page friends. That smell is now gone.

   German feminine hygiene products are called Hercrotchastinkin.

   I told my kids that if they are old enough to fertilize eggs, we aren't going to color eggs for easter.

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   "Wanna have phone sex?" "No, I'm on Virgin Mobile."

   "You swallow 8 spiders a night" I repeat to myself over and over looking for more. I have only consumed 5. It's 4am. Dawn will break soon.

   Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.

   Women think that if their man jacks off more, she won't have to have sex as often. Sorry ladies, that's not how it works.

   If you love someone, keep drinking

   Another successful Lent season accomplished by vowing not to eat healthy food for 40 days. Think I'll keep it going.

   You know the difference between Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg? Martha Stewart is a convicted felon.

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an @zz.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.

   "April fools fell on a Hump day" said the camel

   I didn't hump anything on Hump Day, but I did throw my back out on Throwback Thursday, so I got to be mildly ironic.

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel by using a dial.

   Breaking News: The State of Indiana just made "smear the queer" the official playground game.

   It was April Fools' Day yesterday. So be careful. And don't forget to turn back your clocks....