Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I started homeschooling my kids and now we're allergic to gluten and don't believe in vaccines.

   Did a 5k today only instead of kilometers it was the number of calories I ate at lunch.

   The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

   I'm so old I remember when "LOL" meant "Laugh Out Loud" and not "I can't think of anything to reply with.""

   I'm so old I remember when people didn't publicly express every feeling they had every moment they had it.

   My dog was sleeping so I put his paw in warm water. He peed all over the floor. I laughed but he's not embarrassed and I have to clean it up

   It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a joke" in just 3 months...

   I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.

   My superpower is turning beer into pee.

   Yesterday we had Earth Hour as a reminder that we all need to take better care of Earth. I would also like to encourage you all to take better care of uranus.

   I'm ready to go mushroom hunting, because I have no morels

   If Mexico wanted to really harm the U.S., they would cut off our supply of drugs.

   Whats the difference between Sunnis and Shiites? Sunni's are attracted to goats while Shiite's are attracted to sheep.

   I have Hillary's private e-mail,It goes right to her campaign headquarters. You know, it's hillaryclinton@wallstreet.com

   "It looks like the Easter Bunny came here last night" "Let's not jump to any conclusions. Until we get these semen samples down to the lab we can't be sure who it was."

   She is called a Bronze digger: when she has low standards.

   I'm "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.

   My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat

   Alcohol poisoning must suck. I can't imagine what it's like being poisoned by the one you love

   Her: where have you been my whole life? Me: chillin on my couch