Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   and, liking - you liked your own statuse by yourself- your own status is like high fiving yourself in public.

   My wife can't remember which side of the car the gas cap is on but she remembers the picture of some girl I commented on 5 years ago.

   NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags and not tell you what you did. "You know what you did"

   I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

   Every girls dream is to find the perfect guy then change everything about him.

   Note to self... the shower curtain cannot save you from falling.

   Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It's addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't wanna deal with people ever again.

   Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

   I always seem to be running late. My ancestors came over on the Juneflower.

   If someone starts a sentence with "words can't express," brace yourself, because they're about to give it a hell of a try anyway.

   Susan,, Don't give those gdamn ducks our bread,, they're just going to use it to buy drugs...

   PRO TIP: Lose friends the quick and easy way by sending group texts.

   Ariana Grande sounds like a new drink at Starbucks.

   My relationship with scotch has been on the rocks lately.

   As someone who wears glasses I usually don’t understand when someone at a party asks for us to raise our glasses.

   Cop: sir, have you been drinking? Me: define sir

   Curb alert! Sabra hummus and Blue Bell ice cream varieties

   Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."

   Once you go black your credit goes bad.

   @CauseWereGuys: If you get pulled over for a DUI, you should get 1 chance to beat Rainbow Road on Mario Kart w/o falling off. If you can, you're free to go.