Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This Pizza Hut is so stupid. They just keep yelling, "SIR WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?!?!" over and over.

   "Daddy, what happens when you die?" "You get married and have kids"

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. One time, I lasted all the way through the opening credits of Game of Thrones.

   I'm a participation trophy wife.

   Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.

   Putting a lock on your moped is like putting your Crocs in a safety deposit box.

   Your profile says "DJ/Promoter-producer", so do you keep your full time job at the call center just to keep grounded?

   I haven't gotten a handjob in forever, but when I saw my wife beating a can of biscuits on the kitchen counter, I remebered why.

   Real frogs call him Kermit the Fraud.

   I call that ass "Snooze Alarm" so you understand why I'm hitting it so much.

   If you Google 'Big Bang Theory' the TV show outranks where ther Universe came from. Take that, existence!

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.

   Just realized who in the heck did I get a more better grade in Spanish class then I did in English?. Doesn't make cents.

   Sam Smith's voice should be a scented candle. Just sayin'...

   That was not the first time Tiger's bone popped out and he had to put it back to avoid further damage.

   All these people ready to vote for a runner up from 6 years ago that could not handle her last job....

   I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.

   The most unrealistic part of the Harry Potter series is that Ron and Harry never once used the invisibility cloak to watch the girl wizards in the shower. That is the first thing most teenage boys would do.

   Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.

   I tried to send my family tree information to Ancestry .com. They sent me back a pack of seeds and told me to start over.