Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My first attempt as body piercing was the time I tried to squat with spurs on.

   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

   Don't walk in front of me, I may not lead. Don't walk behind me, I may not follow, Don't walk beside me either. Just get the hell away from me. Creep!

   A friend in need is a friend in NOPE

   According to my bloodshot eyes I'm not approachable today

   Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.

   “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

   I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean seriously, it's not like he needed them or anything.

   Before you judge a man, walk a mile in their shoes; and then judge them.

   My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

   Everyday I see some stupid comment on a mutual friends page and I am forced to add another name to my block list. . .

   the boss keeps talking about a company 401 k ..... I don't think I can run that far

   I think Pokerstars and Adobe are in a race to see which one can have more software updates per year.

   Money saving tip - Drink at home. You're welcome

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time

   No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine

   Life is like a box of chocolates. An emotional woman can destroy one in 5 minutes.

   It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.

   Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

   Calm down Jihadists. If you're in that much of a hurry to see 72 virgins, just go to a Star Trek convention.