Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.

   I save time by showing up at my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown

   if I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch

   Have your demons call my demons

   Yes I will disappoint you, but I will disappoint you with style.

   I'm off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...

   when you Realize that loud sound in the dryer is your cell phone! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

   If you are a real man, take care of your woman. Because if you mistreat her, ignore her, or don't take her concerns seriously, another man will.

   Bill Cosby is funny. You might say he has a rapier wit.

   *wipes away tear* You had me at "Dwarf Stripper."

   If I haven't offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It's in there.

   The beer can was invented 80 years ago this week by a Virginia man. God Bless 'Merica!!

   I never said I knew what was going on. Who wants that kind of responsibility?

   Not to brag, but I'm totally going to be the first one shot in any kind of hostage situation.

   If you're married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   Don't worry too much about being alone on Valentine's Day. It's just one day out of the year. There's 364 other days no one loves you too.

   Can't wait to date myself on Valentine's Day

   People dropout of school and get a job at McDonald's talking bout "on my grind" yeah okay, GRIND me up a Oreo McFlurry with yo dumb ass