Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [job interview] "So tell me something about yourself" I'm on medication

   Not sure about the footballs, but Katy Perry's chest appears properly inflated.

   Imagine sex with me. Too late. It's over.

   The only real importance in life is getting ahead. Head. I meant to say head.

   Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

   Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet. You don't know.

   Let's kill people that disagree with our beliefs. - said no atheist ever

   If you matured and made changes in Your life, you made a "180"....not a DAMN "360." A "360" means the same Degree of Stupidity..

   I'm asian but not "love you long time" asian. More like "love you for 10 min, roll over, and go to bed" asian.

   todays weather 4-6 bottles of beer changing over to a large pizza iwith lots of cheese and pepperoni

   Relationship status: Just yelled "You're the fcuking problem!" at one of the cats.

   Well it's Game Day. I wonder if Tom Brady will be feeling a lot of pressure

   Am I the only one praying for an, "Equiptment Malfunction" during the halftime show tonight?

   Another beheading; I slam is truly the religion of ignorant cowards.

   i think the NFL may be getting close in over hyping the superbowl!

   i knew The Kardashians.we going to screw us up. look what it did too Bruce!!! freaking 0.j.

   I need a drunk texting buddy while I sit at home and drink by myself tonight

   Bear Grylls should take the spoiled rich kids from MTV's My Super Sweet 16 to live in the wild and name the show "Grylls Scouts"

   Sorry for pushing you back with a ten foot pole when you asked me to hold your baby.

   Why does every video on America's Funniest Home Videos look like it's still recorded on VHS tape?