Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PRO TIP: Lose friends the quick and easy way by sending group texts.

   Ariana Grande sounds like a new drink at Starbucks.

   My relationship with scotch has been on the rocks lately.

   As someone who wears glasses I usually don’t understand when someone at a party asks for us to raise our glasses.

   Cop: sir, have you been drinking? Me: define sir

   Curb alert! Sabra hummus and Blue Bell ice cream varieties

   Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."

   Once you go black your credit goes bad.

   @CauseWereGuys: If you get pulled over for a DUI, you should get 1 chance to beat Rainbow Road on Mario Kart w/o falling off. If you can, you're free to go.

   Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have the harder it is to breathe.

   I dont care who you are, I want your name - Police

   plantar fasciitis is my arch nemesis.

   The NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.

   Yes a few rounds being dumped into your back is above and beyond excessive force. And murder. But once again, it's very simple, if you comply, you don't die... Pants Up Don't Loot!!!

   My Wife is pissed off at me for being such glutton. I think she must be glutton intolerant.

   Once you go black you can never afford to go back

   So Not Paying Your Child Support CAN cost you Your Life!

   Comcast complains to the better business bureau....isn't it ironic....don't ya think?

   I am gluten intolerance intolerant. I can't stand hearing people talk about their gluten intolerance.

   Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don't want to hear about it.