Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's like my kids don't even believe how cool I was in the 90s.

   Technically, I don't have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I'm not doing anything.

   Don't let anyone use Earth Day as an excuse to peer pressure you into going outside. Your couch and your bed are both located on Earth too.

   I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet

   Ice cubes just get in the way when your drinking becomes serious.

   Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks

   Stoner dudette, those were days ago

   If you're thinking of hanging out with your ex, jerk off first and see how you feel after that.

   Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.

   Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos

   I'm no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!

   You'd think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I've been drinking.

   I don't get it. I've been thinking a lot about eating less and exercising more, yet somehow I still gain weight.

   Hillary's already working on her 2020 re-election campaign

   f you don't routinely use a Darth Vader voice to order at the drive-thru, odds are good we're not gonna be friends.

   A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

   it's a jungle out there and I ain't lion!

   This Earth Day, I'm trying to do my part to make the world a better place by making a list of people I wish would move to Mars.

   Dating is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

   If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started