Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? Please say tomorrow

   4-20... The day when it is obvious which of your friends are still mentally in high school.

   happy 4/20 ......smoke it if you got it

   my neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats nice and all but I still have a bigger deck. ..

   Got hit on by a total fox today! By that, I mean, she did not throw up when I said hi.

   Domino's Pizza changed their name to just Domino's because they're now serving even more $hitty food.

   I've stalked you recently because I couldn't find someone better.

   Ahh Brunch, the Sunday activity that makes drinking before noon socially acceptable.

   It's all fun and games until they let the police dog loose..

   Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard wasn't a reality show, my day is now shot.

   Funny how the greatest threat to a human being's life on earth can be traced right back to a fellow human being.

   Watching all 6 episodes of Star Wars in one sitting sure makes the dagobah fast.

   I embarrassed my friend the psychic with a surprise birthday party.

   When an ignorant person feels that he won an argument he loses. When he loses an argument, he actually wins knowledge.

   You probably shouldn't call me lazy until you've taken a few steps in my sandals.

   Aaron Hernandez is already proving to be a hot prospect for several prison gangs, and he is expected to be drafted quickly.

   My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.

   Shovels, aisle 7, check. Hatchets, aisle 10, check. Bags of lime, aisle 11, check. Now where is that alibis section....

   If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?

   Oh... you were saying 'good boy' to the dog? Guess I'll just put these back on. Awkward.