Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Woohoo! Marco Rubio For President Of The United States of America!!!
←Rate | 04-13-2015 20:02 by JT Comments (0)  


   messageicon Advice is a bitter medicine, which is more blessed to give than to receive.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 19:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I talk a lot of crap for someone who can't even put her panties on without falling over.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 15:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need a catchphrase, and a themesong. Oh, and while we are at it, a signature sex move that doesn't always end in an apology.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 15:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like my women like I like my coffee; Always causing embarassing stains on my pants.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 15:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 13:00 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon Paper shouldn't beat rock -- maybe smooth jazz fusion or contemporary country, but that's it.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 12:57 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon "iPhone" is a really terrible name considering how much I use it as a phone. That would be like calling my bed iSex.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 10:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happiness is only a throat punch away.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know you are orgasaming, but I'm pretty sure God had nothing to do with it... so if you can maybe yell my name, that'd be great.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never go to a little leagure game with a #1 Dad t-shirt unless you are prepared to be challened to a Dad-off.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Canadian Bacon is just like regular bacon, but it apologizie all the time about not being regular bacon.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll vote for her, but only if Bill has to plant flowers and pretend to care about children's literacy.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This Pizza Hut is so stupid. They just keep yelling, "SIR WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?!?!" over and over.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Daddy, what happens when you die?" "You get married and have kids"
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. One time, I lasted all the way through the opening credits of Game of Thrones.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm a participation trophy wife.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Putting a lock on your moped is like putting your Crocs in a safety deposit box.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your profile says "DJ/Promoter-producer", so do you keep your full time job at the call center just to keep grounded?
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:40 Comments (0)  




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