Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I know you are orgasaming, but I'm pretty sure God had nothing to do with it... so if you can maybe yell my name, that'd be great.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never go to a little leagure game with a #1 Dad t-shirt unless you are prepared to be challened to a Dad-off.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Canadian Bacon is just like regular bacon, but it apologizie all the time about not being regular bacon.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll vote for her, but only if Bill has to plant flowers and pretend to care about children's literacy.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This Pizza Hut is so stupid. They just keep yelling, "SIR WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?!?!" over and over.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Daddy, what happens when you die?" "You get married and have kids"
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. One time, I lasted all the way through the opening credits of Game of Thrones.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm a participation trophy wife.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Putting a lock on your moped is like putting your Crocs in a safety deposit box.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your profile says "DJ/Promoter-producer", so do you keep your full time job at the call center just to keep grounded?
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I haven't gotten a handjob in forever, but when I saw my wife beating a can of biscuits on the kitchen counter, I remebered why.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Real frogs call him Kermit the Fraud.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I call that ass "Snooze Alarm" so you understand why I'm hitting it so much.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you Google 'Big Bang Theory' the TV show outranks where ther Universe came from. Take that, existence!
←Rate | 04-13-2015 09:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 06:40 by Remember Remember Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just realized who in the heck did I get a more better grade in Spanish class then I did in English?. Doesn't make cents.
←Rate | 04-13-2015 05:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sam Smith's voice should be a scented candle. Just sayin'...
←Rate | 04-13-2015 02:13 by Shellie Smith Comments (0)  


   messageicon That was not the first time Tiger's bone popped out and he had to put it back to avoid further damage.
←Rate | 04-12-2015 23:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All these people ready to vote for a runner up from 6 years ago that could not handle her last job....
←Rate | 04-12-2015 22:16 Comments (0)  




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