Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was younger I always wanted to marry a doctor for money. Now I just want the prescriptions.

   Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of isle 6...

   Just got an email saying "want to see Taylor Swift Live"? I thought it was a ransom demand....

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   I bet "Game of War" would do better if they'd just spend a few bucks on advertising.

   Now that everyone has cameras you'd think there would be more pictures of UFOs, Bigfoots, ghosts, etc.

   Anal bleaching... Because some a**holes need to lighten up.

   In the event of a nuclear war, the only things that will survive are roaches . Which means US should still have a functioning government

   Look all I'm saying is that if it was not meant to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco..

   My vacuum cleaner doesn't suck as much as it used to, it must have gotten married.

   Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

   Her stripper name is "for god's sake, put some clothes on"

   fun fact: shut up

   Feeling Bored? Post a status on Facebook that says " Hillary Clinton 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.

   I´ll bet a beer that you won´t bring me one! *gotcha*

   You can't see the forest through the bees.

   Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of my wifes feminine hygiene products fell out on me. it was a Tampede...

   Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?

   Happy 4/21 -national surprise drug test day!

   I beleive in shopping locally. Thats why I am the town drunk.