Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1629 of 6452

When I was younger I always wanted to marry a doctor for money. Now I just want the prescriptions.

Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of isle 6...

Just got an email saying "want to see Taylor Swift Live"? I thought it was a ransom demand....

Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em
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04-21-2015 21:29 by snotty
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I bet "Game of War" would do better if they'd just spend a few bucks on advertising.
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04-21-2015 21:18 by snotty
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Now that everyone has cameras you'd think there would be more pictures of UFOs, Bigfoots, ghosts, etc.
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04-21-2015 21:18 by Timk
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Anal bleaching... Because some a**holes need to lighten up.

In the event of a nuclear war, the only things that will survive are roaches . Which means US should still have a functioning government

Look all I'm saying is that if it was not meant to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco..

My vacuum cleaner doesn't suck as much as it used to, it must have gotten married.

Be advised Ladies: Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.
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04-21-2015 13:28
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Her stripper name is "for god's sake, put some clothes on"
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04-21-2015 12:29
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fun fact: shut up
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04-21-2015 11:24
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Feeling Bored? Post a status on Facebook that says " Hillary Clinton 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
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04-21-2015 10:38 by remy911
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I´ll bet a beer that you won´t bring me one! *gotcha*
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04-21-2015 09:19
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You can't see the forest through the bees.
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04-21-2015 09:05
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Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of my wifes feminine hygiene products fell out on me. it was a Tampede...
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04-21-2015 08:25 by SEAN
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Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
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04-21-2015 05:07 by flinnie
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Happy 4/21 -national surprise drug test day!
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04-21-2015 00:12
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I beleive in shopping locally. Thats why I am the town drunk.
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04-20-2015 23:49
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