Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She lost me at,"Mayweather."

   What did God say when he caught Eve swimming in the river?...I ain't never gonna get the smell out of them fish!

   Not every trophy wife is first place...

   The saying goes "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."....Well I guess today will be another silent day for me.

   Everyone is watching the fight tonight, and I'm over here loading Rocky into the DVD player a $100 richer #winning

   "Hey, no budging in line" - Prince Harry

   Personal log: "We are not even close."... *-Romans building Rome, end of day 1

   Could you just make my paycheck out to the liquor store? Thanks.

   Let's see if Bruce Jenner remains a Republican once he starts making 77 cents on the dollar.

   Kanye West thinks he will win the fight between pacman and Mayweather

   Who wants to see a picture of my toasted bagel with cream cheese. . .

   Never trust a girl who has her own face set as the background of her phone.

   I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.

   Kanye West only accepted the role of Santa Claus after the director agreed to change the script so that the kids all asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

   My dad hasn't called with a computer problem in over 48 hours. I'm sending my brother over there to check on them.

   "I bet you $50 I can come on the cab driver's neck before we get there" *Things to say on your phone in a taxi that will cut your drive time in half*

   Take the name of your first pet and add the street that your first pet got ran over on to get your step father's Tinder name.

   A couch potato sounds deliciouis but I'm not gettnig up to make it.

   Better feed that camel toe, its eating your yoga pants.

   I'm starting to believe my toddler's loudest toys are powered by my favorite TV shows.