Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being funny or if I'm just unbelievably depressed

   I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.

   [judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"

   Bruce Jenner? Never heard of her...

   i only have 1 question for Bruce Jenner. after he becomes woman, will he change his name to "Jenny Brucer" ?

   If you say "bae" three times while looking in a mirror you get moved to the front of the line at Starbucks.

   Ommpa Loompa Doopity Do. Fake tanning lotion ain't working for you.

   My parents are about to get a divorce. Haha, I'm kidding. I'm black, my parents haven't seen each other in 15 years.

   I'll trust a fart after a heavy night of drinking before I'll trust a politician.

   I bet more people call the gambling addicts helpline if they made every 10th caller a winner! ♠♥♣♦😃😳

   How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.

   My wife asking me to do the first half of the kids' bedtime,,, is like asking me to shake up a can of soda before handing it to her...

   WAIT????.. Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

   If it wasn't for my excitement to hate someone new I wouldn't leave my bed in the morning.

   Screw it..... I'm just gonna say that these are " Mother's Day" lights now..... *lazy Christmas light owners...

   I just had a bite of Wookie candy... It tasted pretty good but it was kinda Chewy. I soooo stole that joke from 1983.

   A selfie stick should be called a narcissistick.

   The Wizard Of OZ is 74 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no heart and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz, she would be in congress!! 😂😆😀

   Counselor: 'Don't you think you've got a drinking problem?' Me: ¡No way, Jose Cuervo!

   Couldn't stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.