Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its pretty cool how after all of these years of marriage my wife as gained the ability to finish my sentences. Like when I say, "Can I...." she says, "No".

   You said you love spending time with your children. School Snow Days determined that was a lie.

   So when the cable company calls you a C word, B word or AH you get free services? Call me an SOB and sign me up!!

   There needs to be a passenger side horn so that I can honk at my wife when she's driving.

   Not sure who is in the stall next to me, but he's going to need to be tested for post partum depression after that one.

   We should have stopped the Nazis with jobs too, I think Hitler would have made a great baker.

   Just gonna wait until this police sketch artist realizes I'm describing him.

   What idiot called it, "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts"?

   Remember when Vanilla Ice said "anything less than the best is a felony?" Its because nothing rhymes with "breaking and entering misdemeanor"

   'All right!!! STOP, COLLABORATE and LISTEN" ~ Vanilla Ice's Attorney.

   I've reached an awkward stage in my life where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hair line of a guy who yells at skateboarders.

   Maybe terrorists hate America because they think Justin Bieber is one of us? You just don't know.

   Just got an Oscar nomination for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

   The sound a zipper makes is my Pavlovian trigger.

   Tonight I'm getting more wasted than a Liberal Arts degree.

   The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I'm going to drink tonight.

   The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club....

   FACT: your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate

   Breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way.

   If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying