Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Skinless chicken breasts are more mouthwatering and yummy than regular chicken breasts. Human breasts, however, are more mouthwatering and yummy with the skin on.

   I make breakfast for my 1 night stands. In hopes they tell there friends about me.

   Because of "YOLO", MILFS are now 16 years old.

   When a man talks dirty to a women, its sexual harassment. When a women talks dirty to a man its $3.95 per hour.

   Not sure who came up with the spelling of "phlegm" but phuck thegm.

   I dropped out of college after my sophomore year, so I get it half marathon runners.

   Fun Fact: If a rapper raps about how much money he has, I will be downloading his album for free.

   You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.

   Kiss and make up is my favourite description of a Kiss concert

   An Apple fan walks into a bar and orders the same drink as yesterday but pays more.

   Why doesn't my kitchen deliver?

   I hired a wedding planner. She just handed me a noose then laughed for twenty minutes.

   A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

   Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.

   They tell me that exercise makes you look and feel better about yourself, to them I say, "So does alcohol"

   I wonder if spiders get as pissed off as I do when I walk through their webs.

   I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"

   A guide dog joke? I didn't see that coming.....

   If you're quiet enough you don't even have to ask for permission before petting a guide dog

   Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try spending a day thinking in my head.