Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If being single ever gets you down, just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and then go do anything you want to do.

   The F.C.C. has delayed the decision on the Time-Warner + Comcast merger. .....So, How do you think those folks like being put on HOLD ???

   Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.

   Im going to find that groundhog and kill him. ...

   My master plan is just a Post-it note that says “drink more.”

   “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Mine's against giant radioactive sloths. Yours?

   I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.

   It's so cold out I just yelled "MUSH" to start my car!

   And that's how Tax returns were spent in 2015 - aka the mayweather vs pacquiao tax return .

   a folder named SPAM... ironically none of the mails reference meat but most of them talk about wieners!

   So cold I accidently keyed my car with my nipples.

   what if the last words of the bible were "... you had to be there."

   Oh my the way I measure & mix this Similac formula I should have became a cocaine dealer.

   It's so cold out I've turned 50 Shades Of Blue!

   I was feeling mischievous and saw snow on my boss's windshield. So I started to draw a p*nis on it until I saw she was sitting behind the steering wheel

   Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...

   Just when I thought North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un couldn't get any weirder, he goes and lets the cast of Jersey Shore cut his hair.

   Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hike-able mountain and no one went to check

   Me: Siri, why hasn't he texted me back yet. Siri: Calling Pizza Hut.

   Told my wife I was going to build a deck last summer, but instead I built a really sweet pile of 2x4s in the garage.